How to be a Humanoid
by SixFoldDimension
Summary: When the Seireitei blows up and the shinigami have nowhere else to go, where do they stay? "Ichigo's high school will do," concluded Yamamoto. "He won't mind if we join as new students, will he?"
1. Landed With You

A/N: First fic! You know what that means-- FLAMES AHOY! Have to prepare me for worse, nastier flames, ne? Heh, just joking…but this is my first story on fan fiction, so tell me what you think.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Bleach. Bleach owns me.

* * *

_**How to be a Humanoid**_

_Landed With You_

"…You honestly expect me to believe that!?"

Ichigo looked up to the faces of the ten captains desperately, as if hoping that what he had just heard was a joke. However, not a single person showed any signs of joking around. Even the most carefree, light-hearted captains wore a grim Hitsugaya-like expression.

Ichigo's face fell, eyes wide and glassy with fear. _No…no! It couldn't be true…there was no way it could be true! He didn't want it to be true… It was impossible! Surely he was dreaming…? Or, at least he hoped he was dreaming…_

Ichigo finally gave up, his heart sinking lower than the floor. He knew it was true. The Seireitei blew up. And now everybody there was landed with him.

"We didn't want this to happen either, Ichigo," added Yamamoto in an attempted-understanding tone.

"Of course not," Ukitake continued quickly. "But we need to stay here until it is done repairing, Ichigo."

Ichigo slowly lifted his head. He was literally twitching.

"No! My house isn't big enough for all of you!" Ichigo protested, flailing his arms wildly. He didn't forget all the other shinigami either, who were sitting and resting the entire length of his home; hanging on ceilings and on top of the roof included. This was a time he was grateful that Yuzu took forever to buy groceries, and that Karin had long hours of soccer practice, and that his dad spends all his time doing random things around the town. If they saw all these shinigami parading here…

"We only need two months," Unohana said politely. "There is nowhere else we can stay, Ichigo. We are counting on you."

Ichigo ran his hand through his hair, frustrated. He needed to find a way out of this mess! There would be too much trouble if all the shinigami came down to earth. He had school, not to mention an upcoming test the following day, and he had a family that simply couldn't know his true life.

"B-but," Ichigo stuttered, trying to grasp an explanation. "But the hollows! Y-yeah…the hollows!" He quickly became more confident, and picked up his tone of voice. Pointing at the captains accusingly, he continued. "With all our spiritual pressure, hollows will diffidently come to eat us alive! You guys didn't think about that before, did you? We're putting a lot of people in danger if you all come here!"

None of the captains looked phased by this piece of information, however. Getting to his feet, Hitsugaya spoke up for the rest of the people.

"Ichigo, in the Shinigami Academy, we were all taught to suppress out spiritual pressure," he replied, not amused. "You're practically the only shinigami who can't."

Ichigo sat back down, dumbfounded, his face burning red. "I-I have another reason!"

The captains waited, watching him stumble over simple words and ideas. A few chuckled at his behavior, and most at least grinning at his antics. Ichigo, who wasn't having as much fun being humiliated, finally concluded with another idea.

"D-didn't you guys say that only the Seireitei blew up?" demanded Ichigo, carefully gathering information before he gave his point. He wouldn't be put through the public display of shame again. "Not the entire Soul Society?"

"Of course not!" Soifon spat, annoyed by his ignorance. "If the whole Soul Society blew up, we would find a better to deal with the matter."

"Then…Ah hah!" cried Ichigo, his hopes high once more. "If only the Seireitei blew up, then why can't you join the districts? I'm sure that's a way better idea than coming here!"

Assured that none of the captains could find a remark for that, Ichigo felt accomplished, a wide grin plastered on his features. But once again, none of the captains looked shocked.

"Actually, there is a problem with staying in the districts," replied Yamamoto calmly. "You see, there are always certain individuals that hate shinigami. Like your friend…what's his name?…oh, yes. That Ganju…people like him would be angry if we came to live at the districts. Occasionally, we do visit the districts, but only for a short period of time, never two months. We would rather not face these potential problems, and after examining both options carefully, we decided that the better choice was to go to the human world in gigais."

Ichigo slumped back down in defeat. He couldn't think of any more options. They had a point, a good one, after all. He only had one final remark. He picked up his head slowly.

"But you guys can't seriously all stay here! I can't fit all of you in this house! I can't hide you all in my room!" he remarked desperately.

The captains didn't argue. Slowly, they got up one by one silently. Ichigo watched, not daring to say a word just in case they would change their mind.

"That is okay, Ichigo," Yamamoto answered softly. "We knew it would be too much to all stay here. But, we do want to contact you at times. Most of us were born in the Soul Society, and the shinigami who died have all forgotten about this world after being away for so long. None of us know how to live here. If we could speak to you at times for advice, may we?"

"…Sure," Ichigo replied after thoroughly searching for any loop holes in Yamamoto's request. "But you can't all come to my house all at once ever again, okay?"

Yamamoto laughed at his warning, shaking his head. "That won't be necessary, Ichigo. After all, we will be there at your school."

Ichigo raised an eyebrow. Suddenly, a very bad feeling washed over him. "M-my school?"

"Yep!" Shunsui interjected, grinning from ear-to-ear. "We've all been enlisted to Karakura High School! Class starts tomorrow, you know."

Ichigo stopped moving. His mouth dropped open, gawking at the captains.

"But-BUT!"

To no avail, the captains all jumped out the window so quickly, they couldn't hear a thing Ichigo tried to say. At the sight of the captains taking off, the rest of the shinigami leaped off their resting positions and sped along with them. Ichigo's house was emptied of everyone so fast; he couldn't even say all the problems in having shinigami in high school.

Ichigo didn't think. He couldn't think. It was almost as if his mind froze over and turned into a useless ice cube. All he did was stare in horror at the window in front of him. _'My…school…they're coming to my…school. I'm dead. I swear I'm dead. I died a long time ago, because God wouldn't let something so bad happen to me.'_

The door squeaked behind him, and a voice echoed in him room. "Ichigo?"

Rukia tiptoed inside, closing the door quietly. She rushed to Ichigo's side. "I was just touring the town again, but I heard a lot of noise coming from your house. Is there something wrong?"

When he didn't answer, Rukia became annoyed and poked him at the side. "Ichigo!"

With the poke of her finger, Ichigo fell face-flat, like a board.

"…Ichi…go?"

* * *

A/N: And that is the end of chapter one! How did I do? Am I unusually accomplished for a beginner? Or do I suck so bad that I should be kicked off fanfiction? Tell me what you think!

NEXT CHAPTER: Keigo's Quote!


	2. Keigo's Quote

A/N: And chapter two is up! I didn't think I would update this quickly, actually, but my teachers decided to not give us any homework, I guess. Oh, well...I'm not complaining! I have to thank those who reviewed and read my story...I will try to update as much as I can! Okay, enough with my rambling...

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Bleach. Do I have to say this all the time...?

* * *

_**How to be a Humanoid**_

_Keigo's Quote_

Ichigo turned over on his bed, grasping his blanket tightly. He curled up into a ball to gather more warmth. His sheets wrapped around him like snakes; he could hardly move. The windows were closed, and the heater was turned on high. Ichigo could even feel a sticky bead of sweat rolling down his brow. The heat was almost overwhelming, but no matter how much he added to his body, he couldn't get rid of the cold feeling freezing him on the inside.

Sighing, Ichigo got up from his bed and stumbled to his feet. He walked towards the heater, grabbing the knob clumsily. In the darkness, he could still make out the words that marked the amount of heat. Right now, the arrow was pointing on _'Extra Heat'_.

_'Extra Heat'_ was the highest he every used-- a couple of times during cold winter days, and tonight. The last rating was written in red-- _'Flaming Fireball of Doom'_.

Ichigo stared at the rating, his right eye twitching. _'Whoever came up with this name needs another visit to the crazy-doctor...'_ he thought, staring at the letters and noticing a little drawing at the end. _'Oh, wow...look...there's even a little picture flame at the end…'_

But it seemed hot enough, Ichigo decided. Even with its stupid name and untrustworthy appearance. Maybe it would be hot enough to wash away the icy, drowning feeling inside of him. Maybe he could get enough sleep so he could deal with the shinigami tomorrow. Just maybe...

Slowly, he turned the knob so the arrow pointed to _'Flaming Fireball of Doom'_.

Ichigo waited, wavering his hand over the heater to feel a fresh gust of hot air. He kept waiting, but nothing happened. Grumbling, Ichigo got up, more annoyed than his limit. He managed to stop himself from kicking the heater senseless, but he did give the wall a powerful blow before crumpling into bed again. Ichigo pulled his pillow over his head, trying to block out the silent buzzing noise, although all it did was make it louder. Ichigo closed his eyes tightly, even muttering to himself to get rid of the buzz of silence. After trying a few other methods, he grabbed his pillow and threw it across the room. Ichigo laid cross-armed, his face twisted with anger. The buzzing continued, increasing volume each passing second. Ichigo thought he was going to throw a fit...

...but then it stopped. Altogether, the buzzing faded into nothing. Ichigo blinked, uncrossing his arms. Slowly, he got up, listening intently. He could hear a soft rattling noise; it sounded like something was shaking out of place. Ichigo strained his ears to listen to the source, but the sound was so faint, it seemed to come from all directions...

Suddenly, the rattling's volume sky-rocketed. Ichigo jumped in fright, whipping his head around. Not only could he hear the rattling, but now he could see it.

The heater, trembling and jumping off the ground, was glowing orange. Ichigo's mouth went dry. He leaped off his mattress in a second and hid under his bed. The rattling only became louder, and the bright orange became almost blinding that Ichigo could see it from under his bed. He shut is eyes tightly and wrapped his arms around his head, hearing nothing but the rattling...

"What is that noise!?" Kon screamed, slamming the closet door open. Ichigo peaked open one eye. _'I forgot about Kon...oh, well. Too late now.'_

"WAH! What is that, Ichigo!? Ichigo? ICHI--!"

Kon's voice was cut off by a deafening roar. A fireball shot out from the heater, tearing through the air. Wisps of sparks followed the trail, singeing anything it touched. The fireball finally came to an explosive landing...

...right into Kon's face.

"ICHIGOOOOOO!!"

Ichigo scrambled out from his cover, darting toward Kon. His head was caught completely on fire, but his legs kept running in circles. Diving in, Ichigo grabbed his legs, lifting Kon behind his head.

_Bam!_ Ichigo brought the stuffed mod soul down, attempting to take out the fire. He kept batting the wall madly, beating the fire out of Kon _(although, Kon might have actually been better off just burning his head to ashes...)_.

--

After taking out the fire, or rather, whacking Kon's face into the brick for a countless number times, Ichigo finally sighed and turned over Kon to see the damage. He cringed as he saw the lion plushie half-burned to crisp and half-beaten to death, both eyes spinning independently. Still, he was grateful is was Kon and not him.

Patting Kon on the head thankfully, Ichigo gently set him back in his closet. He automatically turned the heat down to _'Medium'_, not forgetting to scowl at it and write a note reminding him to sue the company. Ichigo walked to the window and opened that as well, letting the cool, crisp air pass through. Slowly, he made his way back to his bed. Crawling under the sheets, Ichigo tried to get some sleep. The thought of the upcoming class tomorrow suddenly seeped into his mind once more... Ichigo groaned, slamming his head into his pillow. _'How can I still be thinking about that...?'_

Ichigo got up, grabbing a text book from under his bed. He realized that it was the one he was supposed to study in order to help him in the test tomorrow. Ichigo stared at it, coming up with another reason for what he was about to do a second later. _'Maybe if I hit myself enough times with this, the information will pass through to my head...'_

Ichigo spent the rest of the night banging his head into the text book in attempt to knock himself out to get sleep or to get information without studying. In the morning, Ichigo found that doing so was not the way to get either.

--

"Want some breakfast, Ichigo?" Yuzu asked, wiping the table with a white cloth. Ichigo was sitting by the table as well, his head resting in his arms. When he didn't answer, she became worried and dropped the cloth. "Ichigo, are you okay?" She came by Ichigo's side, shaking him lightly.

_'No,' _Ichigo answered in his head glumly. If being tired, stressed, scared, and nearly burned to death by a heater wasn't a 'no', he didn't know what was. However, Ichigo knew better than to say that to his over reactive sister. "Yeah, I'm fine," he mumbled.

"Maybe you should go upstairs and rest, Ichigo," Yuzu advised, picking up her cloth and starting to scrub in vigorous circles once more.

Ichigo sighed and slumped back in his chair. Maybe he should take her advice...if he could, that is. He still couldn't sleep in fear of the upcoming day, plus he developed a mental fear of the heater in his room. _'When did I plan to sue that company again...?'_

However, Ichigo still got up from the table. He staggered to him room in order to make it seem to Yuzu that he was trying to get some sleep before it was seven thirty, the time his school starts. His sister would worry too much about his health if he didn't.

Pushing open the door, he collapsed into bed. Ichigo closed his eyes, but sleep never came to him. Maybe it was because the heater, which he swore was watching he every move from its position in the corner... or maybe it was because he was scared of the shinigami, know all of them would look like clowns if they joined Karakura High... or perhaps it was the fact he knew he was going to fail the upcoming test he had on Social Studies. Or maybe all three. Ichigo opened one eye, glancing at his closet. It was the place Rukia used to sleep, but he knew she wasn't there. He saw her run off to buy items from the Urahara shop a while ago. The only person in there was Kon.

_'Kon...'_

That reminded him of the heater incident. Maybe he should say something to Kon... or maybe not, he argued back. Kon was just going to expect special treatment after nearly being burned to death. Ichigo continued to lay on his bed, debating whether to say something to the stuffed animal or not. In the end, he choose to just check up on him, to make sure he was alive.

Crawling to his closet, Ichigo slowly opened a little crack. He peeked through the small slit, squinting...

"Hello, Ichigo!"

Crying out, Ichigo leaped back from his closet. Inside, he could spot three figures-- all of which much bigger than a stuffed lion plushie.

"Hm? Why so worried, Ichigo?" a voice asked. He poked his head out, revealing that he was Komamura, with his distinguishable furry face. He was also wearing a high school uniform.

"W-what are you doing in my closet!?" roared Ichigo, still catching his breath.

"We couldn't let your family see us, young one," another person croaked. Yamamoto stepped out of the closet, he too wearing the uniform. It looked extremely strange to Ichigo, having never seen an old man in the Karakura High School outfit.

"Prepare yourself, Ichigo Kurosaki!!" a familiar voice boomed. Ichigo could tell automatically that it was the power-hungry Kenpachi Zaraki. He quickly braced himself, trembling. Never again did he ever want to fight Kenpachi.

…

When Ichigo realized that he wasn't cut up to shreds or even damaged, he peeked through his fingers to see what had happened. Both Komamura and Yamamoto were holding on the collar of Kenpachi's uniform, which amazing was already torn and looked like it went through many battles.

"We don't fight now, Zaraki," Komamura told him, letting go of his uniform. "If you want to fight, fight without destroying the entire house."

Kenpachi spat, muttering about how 'the fox boy had no place to say that to him'. However, he stopped trying to attack Ichigo, and sat down on his bed instead. Ichigo calmed down enough, and sat down as well.

"What are you guys doing here?" he asked suspiciously.

"We simply want to know the path to your school, Ichigo," Yamamoto answered, crossing his arms.

"No."

"No...?" Yamamoto raised an eyebrow. Ichigo didn't look like he was at all happy.

"I said 'no'," Ichigo repeated. "You cannot come to my school."

"And why is that?" Komamura questioned.

Ichigo jumped up, glaring at them like they were mental. "Of course you can't! First of all, I don't want anyone dead in my school!" He pointed out Kenpachi directly, leering.

Kenpachi groaned and got up. He towered over Ichigo, his long shadow covering the Vizard completely. Ichigo gulped and started to sweat. "I don't fight weaklings," Kenpachi hissed, putting his face right up to Ichigo's, "but you're no weakling, Ichigo. You should be more worried about yourself rather than your classmates."

With that said, Kenpachi fell back, resting on Ichigo's bed like nothing had happened. Ichigo was speechless, sitting down without a word.

"Well, Ichigo?" Yamamoto reminded him. Ichigo snapped back to reality, and started fuming once more.

"I'm sorry, old man, but you cannot go to my school!" Ichigo reasoned, becoming annoyed. "You're just...too old! All the rest of the people are teenagers, did you know that?"

"So?" remarked Yamamoto, shrugging. "I'm sure I'm _allowed _to go to school-- is that correct, Ichigo?"

"Yes, but--"

"Then that's settled," he concluded, not letting Ichigo finish. "It doesn't matter how old you are; you can always learn."

Ichigo's mouth was dry. There was absolutely no way he could get through to them...unless...

"You know, human's aren't used to seeing--" he paused, looking at Komamura and trying to find a word to describe him. "Well, people aren't used to seeing _you_, Komamura! I mean...you're..."

"Yes, I know," Komamura muttered, bowing his head in shame. Suddenly, a pang of guilt shot Ichigo in his stomach, and he started to regret saying anything. He was about to give Komamura some encouragement about his appearance, but...

"That's why I got this!" the canine-looking shinigami squealed in an uncharacteristic way. Out of his pocket, he pulled a mask. It covered the entire head, except for a slit that was to reveal the eyes. There was a zipper dangling at the end of the slit. On both sides of the mask were star-like designs, woven in red and yellow string. It also looked strangely familiar to Ichigo.

"I got this from some stranger I saw walking in town," Komamura explained, putting on the mask. "You see, I explained to him that I would look strange because of my defects and he seemed to understand. Didn't say anything, he just turned around and took off his mask and gave it to me. When I took it from him and looked down to examine it, he just disappeared...ah!" he adjusted the mask slightly so it fit nicely. "Take a look! It's perfect! People from afar can hardly notice my real face! And they come too close..." Komamura grasped the zipper and pulled it across his face so that none of his features showed. "...then I can just do this! I have to thank that stranger..."

As Komamura continued ramble, Ichigo began to run out of ideas. Cutting off the masked dog-like shinigami, Ichigo finally spoke. "You...just can't..." Ichigo finished desperately.

"We already bought the uniforms, Ichigo," said Yamamoto firmly. "There was a 'no refund' policy at the store we bought them from, and they costed two-hundred dollars each. We will not just waste them...I'm sorry, Ichigo."

Ichigo didn't say anything. His arguments didn't have any effect, and he had come off lamer than he had hoped. There really was no way to change their minds...maybe he had to take class with the shinigami for two full months. Slowly, a quote he had heard before returned to Ichigo...

_If you can't get things to go the way you would like them to, go with what you have and make the best of it._

Ichigo sighed, getting up. Maybe that is what he had to do...make the best of it. He strained his mind to remember who told him this saying. He or she was undoubtfully intelligent, and maybe could help him out in this mess. For a while, nobody came to him. Then, after thinking back to every person he knew, he remembered.

_' "ICHIGO, IF YOU CAN'T GET THINGS TO GO THE WAY YOU WOULD LIKE THEM TO, GO WITH WHAT YOU HAVE AND MAKE THE BEST OF IT!!" Keigo screamed, jumping on top of the orange-haired student. "THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE TO FORGET ABOUT STUDYING AND JUST GET AN 'F', LIKE US!!" '_

Suddenly, the intelligence, and the whole meaning, of the quote disappeared in an instant.

* * *

A/N: Okay...I admit, I rushed a bit toward the end. If I have the chance, I think I'll fix it to be more clean...but for now, I think I like it.

CHAPTER THREE: The Arrancar Attack! Be sure to read!


	3. The Arrancar Attack

A/N: So here's chapter three. My teachers all suddenly stop giving me homework...it's amazing. (Still not complaining here!) Oh, and just in case no one found out from the last chapter...the stranger who gave Komamura the mask was Nova, the anime-exclusive bount-hunting modsoul.

DISCLAIMER: If I owned Bleach, I wouldn't be here.

* * *

_**How to be a Humanoid**_

_The Arrancar Attack_

"Aizen-sama, I have some news," a person murmured, bowing down. A hollow mask covered half of his hair like a helmet. His emerald eyes were shut as he bowed respectively, making him look as if he was crying because of the green lines that trailed down from his eyes.

Aizen looked up, still sipping his tea. After gulping down the liquid, he spoke. "Yes, Ulquiorra?"

"We have recently discovered that all the shinigami joined the human world for reasons unknown," Ulquiorra answered, getting up to his feet, "but there's a rumor going around that the Seireitei has blown up and is currently under construction."

Aizen paused from his tea-drinking suddenly. He set down the cup without taking a sip, a smile slowly pulling at his lips. "Perfect..."

"This is a great opportunity for the arrancar," started Ulquiorra, an aura of urgency in his tone. "The shinigami are helpless, as their home is. If we strike now..."

"Yes, yes...I know," Aizen cut off, folding his hands together. "We have the advantage. Ulquiorra, please carry out this following order for me.

"First, I want you to find Sixth Espada, Grimmjow and Wonderweiss. Order three fitting Karakura High School uniforms. Get gigais to use for the human world. Please enlist yourselves as new students in the school."

Ulquiorra blinked, looking up. Bewildered, he stuttered, "A-Aizen-sama..."

"Yes?" Aizen inquired, already picking up his cup of tea once more.

"W-wouldn't it be a better idea if we just took control of the Seireitei?"

"Not really," he answered, putting the glass to his lips. "If we attacked the Seireitei, we wouldn't finish off the shinigami. Your job is to annihilate the shinigami so they won't have the chance to defend themselves."

Ulquiorra still didn't get Aizen's logic, but knowing better than to argue with the leader, he simply dropped the topic. "I still don't know why you chose Wonderweiss to come with us," he remarked.

"Why not choose him?" Aizen shot back calmly. Leaning back in his seat, he started humming to himself as if the problem had been settled.

Personally, Ulquiorra had a lot of reasons against bringing the childish arrancar. However, he wanted to avoid any trouble, and once again held back on any comments.

"Do we open the Garganta?" he added, just to make sure he wouldn't anger Aizen by doing something he didn't want.

"No," Aizen answered. "We will attract too much attention if we open the Garganta. Instead, I want you to use this."

Aizen snapped his finger; in seconds, an enormous spaceship appeared in the room, flashing with bright pink and orange lights. In a blocky font, the words 'THE ARRANCAR ATTACK!' gleamed on the side of the ship. The windows were completely covered in smiley stickers.

"If you use this, nobody will notice us!" Aizen cried joyfully. "I made it myself, you know."

"…I can tell," Ulquiorra answered coolly. However, his was frozen in horror on the inside. But he didn't tell Aizen how he felt about the ship.

"Do as I ask," the leader ordered, reinforcing all that he had said.

"...Yes, Aizen-sama."

--

"Now where do we turn?" Komamura asked, carefully marking a piece of paper in his hands with a blue pen. The mask covered his pointy ears, dog-like nose, and sharp teeth, leaving only his eyes in view. Although it was thoroughly ridiculous, Ichigo had to admit; the mask had turned out to be a good disguise...

"Turn left at this stop sign," Ichigo answered, pointing at the red hexagon. Komamura scribbled on the paper frantically, looking up a couple of times only to assure his definite location. Yamamoto and Kenpachi were both sitting down on the ground, resting. Ichigo sighed, sitting down as well. The atmosphere remained calm as Komamura continued drawing the map.

"I think that going to the school was a good idea," Yamamoto thought aloud, flipping through a math text book. "There seems to be much that we could learn...I can't even begin to understand why youngsters these days dread education..."

Ichigo pretended to ignore the old shinigami's comment, even though he had a lot of answers as to why he hated school. _'Let's see... homework, tests, Keigo, the teacher, shinigami who like going to high school, Keigo again, my dad whom suggests to NOT study, the sewing club, Keigo... again…'_ And he could go on for the rest of his life. But still, he remained silent.

"I'm done," announced Komamura, tucking the pen in his pocket. The rest of the group slowly got to their feet, traveling toward their destination once more. After many breaks for Komamura's map, the shinigami finally had the school in view.

"And here it is," said Ichigo, pointing to the large building. Teenagers in Karakura High School uniforms crowded around the area, coming in and out of their school. The captains looked mildly impressed, and they started walking to the building as well.

"Wait!" Ichigo cried, rushing ahead of the shinigami and blocking the path. "Before you go to school, you have to know a couple of things about here, or you'll seem really stupid! Listen to me--"

"Who cares!?" Kenpachi interrupted, rolling his eyes. A vein popped out of Ichigo's head; he was clearly annoyed. "I mean, what kind of rules are there?"

"I was going to get to that!" spat Ichigo. He cleared his throat, and started to talk. "Rule Number One: Never talk back to the teacher! This especially applies _our_ teacher...she's really crazy, but if you argue with her, that's an automatic 'F'. Understand so far?"

The captains nodded, and Ichigo continued.

"Rule Number Two: Do not bother the sewing club! At the end of the day, there's a sewing club, something that only people like Uryu join. They're all very serious about sewing, so one joke about their work, and you are asking to die!"

The captains nodded once more, a little bored. Ichigo decided to quickly wrap up his speech quickly, before they lost interest completely.

"And finally, Rule Number Three: Don't ask Keigo to help you study for ANYTHING! If you--"

Suddenly, Ichigo was cut off by a loud explosion echoing in the distance. It sounded like something crashed; something huge and destructive. The high school students gasped, and started whispering worriedly to one another. Ichigo's group turned to the direction of the sound, armed for battle.

"I have a bad feeling," Ichigo whispered quietly. "Let's check it out..."

Ichigo shoved his hand in his pocket, feeling for the seal. His hands set on a flat medallion with a tight rope attached to it. He pulled it out and looked at the other shinigami. They all held a small green piece of candy in the tip of their fingers. Yamamoto nodded; a sign to release out of the gigais. With the control of his right hand, the seal flew toward Ichigo's chest...

_'Bbbrrriiiiiiiiiiiiinnnggg!'_

He suddenly stopped, frightened. Everybody's heads whipped around to the new source of sound. The school bell had rung, sharp and clear.

_"Perfect timing..." _Ichigo mumbled, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Disappointed, he put the seal back in his pocket; in the corner of his eye, he could see the others putting away the soul candy. The human students had completely forgotten about the explosion and were now scrambling to get to class on time.

"We'll finish this later," Ichigo called to the captains. Suddenly, he turned his heel and sprinted to the building, calling, "Don't wanna' be late for class!"

"Huh?" The captains looked up, confused. Komamura called out for him. "Wait! ICHIGOOOO!!"

--

"My frickin' head hurts!" Grimmjow roared at no one in particular. He turned at the ship and glared at it like it had been the one that had caused the pain. However, the aircraft looked much more injured than the Sixth Espada; the lights were all busted and broken, the engines looked worn out, the lettering, 'THE ARRANCAR ATTACK!', was so scratched up that no one could read what it said anymore, and even the smiley stickers seemed to be frowning. Aizen's spaceship now looked as if a really bad driver had attempted to steer it while doing tricks multiple times. (Which _is_ what happened, by the way.)

Ulquiorra sat cross-legged, unamused. Wonderweiss laid on the ground floor, staring intently at a blade of grass in his hands. Both didn't seem to care about what Grimmjow was doing, nor did they seem to even care about Aizen's mission.

"Die, you worthless piece of scrap metal…"

Ripping a nearby tree out of it's roots, Grimmjow started bashing the ship furiously as if it wasn't punished enough. The machine started flying apart, its pieces destroying anything it could reach. Ulquiorra watched with an air of boredom etched on his expression, and Wonderweiss didn't even seem to notice what was happening. The spaceship quickly reduced to rubble, but the teal-haired Espada continued to whack the ground maniacally. Eventually, the tree he was using as a weapon started to fall apart.

"That's enough, Grimmjow," said Ulquiorra, catching a piece of flying glass before it sliced him. He held up the glass, which had a crying smiley on it. "Don't torture the smileys anymore."

"I. Don't. CARE!"

Ulquiorra sighed, shaking his head. The smiley ducked under Ulquiorra's sleeve, trembling in fear. The Espada walked up to Grimmjow calmly, dodging each flying object easily. He lifted a hand and quickly smacked Grimmjow's head to the side. The little slap looked rather weak and harmless, until the Sixth Espada was sent crashing. After destroying twenty trees or so with his body's force, Grimmjow got to his feet, furious.

"Ulquiorra, I will make you pay!" Grimmjow spat. It didn't seem likely that Grimmjow _could_ make Ulquiorra pay in his currant state, however. Ulquiorra ignored his empty threats. He picked up a pile of nicely folded clothing and chucked them at Grimmjow.

"What's this supposed to be?" Grimmjow inquired, unfolding the uniform with disgust.

"Put them on," commanded Ulquiorra forcefully. "When you're done, we're going to Karakura High School."

* * *

A/N: …-returns to the shipwreck scene and picks up frightened smileys- EVERYONE WHO REVIEWS ON CHAPTER THREE GETS TO ADOPT A FREE SMILEY!

CHAPTER FOUR: Orihime's Cooking!

-note: This story will not turn into a high school fic…well, not a typical high school fic. There won't be the usual romance/clique/bully problem; I plan to make a pure humor story.


	4. Orihime's Cooking

A/N: I am finally done with chapter four! It's kind of long, you know, makes up of the really short one last time. Sorry about that, by the way… heheheh… -attempts to do back flip…lands on head- Ow… okay, that's enough jumping for today…

DISCLAIMER: I DO own Bleach! Muahahaha…no.

* * *

_**How to be a Humanoid**_

_Orihime's Cooking_

Ichigo felt his legs' searing agony tear further with every step he took. He raced left and right, weaving through the maze of a school. Behind him he could hear the cries of his comrades, their footsteps following his.

"I-Ichigo! Wait up! Where are you going!?"

Ichigo didn't pay any attention and kept running. He didn't have any time to wait for them; if he waited, then all of them would be late. And if they were late…

Ichigo gasped for air as he continued to sprint to his classroom. If he was late, Ichigo couldn't even imagine what would happen to him.

His classroom door came into view quickly. Ichigo darted toward it, already bracing himself for the punishment. _'Maybe…just maybe, if I'm lucky… the teacher isn't in the classroom, and nobody feels like telling her that I was late…'_

Unfortunately, Ichigo was never lucky. In front of door, he could feel a shadow casting over his own body… a familiar, _scary_, _TEACHER-like_ shadow. Ichigo looked up numbly, petrified.

"Soo…Ichigo Kurosaki," the teacher trilled through her bared teeth. Her smile didn't look the least bit real, and the scary glimmer in the glasses didn't help Ichigo very much, either. "Late again…? But the _new students_ got here faster than you!"

"I was guiding some other new students here," mumbled Ichigo, praying that the excuse would work. He could hear the taps of footsteps behind him. Looks like the captains finally came…

"Oh! There you are!" the teacher sang in a fake happy voice. "You finally came! Hm… _late on your first day?"_

"Erm…" Komamura gave shifty eyes to the other two shinigami. "Sorry?"

"It's alright!" she chirped, her smile twitching. It certainly didn't _look_ alright…

The teacher grabbed the new students and Ichigo rather roughly and ushered them into the class. "It's great to see you, Kurosaki!" she added to Ichigo, and made sure to clap him in the back excessively hard before he entered the room. Ichigo hurried to his seat; he could feel the gazes of the other students tailing him all the way. The teacher walked in front of the room, picking up her clipboard.

"Now that we finally have all our students in the class," she started, her eyes burning into Ichigo's, "it looks like we can finally finish introducing our batch of new students! Please come in front of the room when your name is called." The teacher cleared her throat and started.

"Sajin Komamura."

The large, masked student walked in front of the room, squeezing his way through the desks. A couple of students shuffled in their chairs nervously as he passed. The teacher didn't seem scared of his appearance; in fact, she seemed more annoyed.

"Komamura," she started, her lips tightening into a straight line. "I know that you are new and don't understand all the rules in this school yet, so I'll cut you some slack. You are not allowed to wear clothing that conceals the face in Karakura High School for safety reasons. Please take it off."

The teacher put her hands on her hips and waited. Komamura, however, didn't look like he had any intention of removing his mask. A moment of silence past, and the teacher steadily became more annoyed.

"I said, _please take of the mask_," she repeated in a firmer voice.

"No," Komamura responded for the first time.

The teacher gasped, nearly dropping her clipboard. She quickly recovered, though, and gave Komamura a dangerous leer. "Now why not?" she questioned, her fake-honey tone becoming even more fake by the second.

"Because…" the shinigami started. His voice trailed away and he sunk his head deeper in the mask. Starting again, this time with an unusually high-pitched voice, Komamura cried, "Because… I'm ugly! I'm so ugly! W-when I go in town, people stop and s-stare! It's not fair!"

He suddenly darted back to his desk in a cowardly, unKomamura-like way and zipped up his mask. People could hear bits of sniffling escape from the cloth. None of the students said a word, and the teacher looked overwhelmed from the previous incident.

"I-it's okay, Komamura," the teacher coaxed, a hint of guilt behind her expression. "No one in this class will laugh at you…"

'_YES, THEY WILL!!'_ was the only answer muffled answer she got back. The teacher sighed, rubbing her temples. "Fine," she said dryly. "I will let you wear it today, but please; I don't want to see it tomorrow."

Not waiting for an answer, the teacher started again. "Next new student! Please come forward: Shigekuni Yamamoto-Genryūsai."

The old man eased out of his chair slowly. He got to his feet and walked calmly to the front of the room, taking careful notice of small, common-day items. Yamamoto earned several strange looks as he passed each desk; some of the teenagers started to whisper to one another about his appearance.

"Erm… Hello, Mr. Yamamoto!" greeted the teacher nervously. Some students caught on to the _'Mr.'_ the teacher used before the old man's name-- something she wouldn't do with other students.

"Good day to you too, Teacher," Yamamoto replied happily. He turned to the class and bowed his head slightly before he spoke. "My name is Shigekuni, but I would prefer Yamamoto over that name… would that be okay with you, my class?" without even stopping to hear what the students would reply, Yamamoto continued. "If you would like to know some things about me, I would be glad to say. I enjoy teaching fellow comrades to help them succeed in their goals. Right, Jūshirō; Shunsui?"

Ukitake froze, miffed. He attempted to force on a smile before he fell face-flat on his desk, horrified. Kyōraku, however, waved his hand in the air like a maniac, grinning ear-to-ear. Yamamoto smiled kindly back at his students, then cleared his throat and continued.

"As I was saying," the old man rambled on, "my favorite subject was always the active kind. Sword battling, I remember. Or is it gym you young folks call it these days? But never mind that… I am sure it will be a pleasure to get to know all of you."

Yamamoto finished, nodding politely to the class. Most of the students stared, mouth-opened and blinking stupidly. "The old fart likes _gym_!?" one boy cried suddenly; he earned a deadly glare from the bearded man. The teacher swallowed, and spoke again.

"That was a very nice introduction, Mr. Yamamoto," stuttered the teacher, fumbling with the clipboard in her arms. "Erm… by any chance, you _do_ know that this is a high school class, right?"

"Of course," Yamamoto answered coolly. "Why would I be here if I didn't know that this is high school? I have come to learn, and knowing your human rules, you cannot deny me of education."

The teacher gawked, but quickly recovered and adjusted her glasses. "Of course we can't," she replied hastily. "T-thank you, and welcome to our class. Now, if you could please return to your seat…?"

Yamamoto obliged, walking back to his seat at a sluggishly slow pace. The class whispered to one another; _"The new kids are all too weird!"_ a girl cried softly. Nobody listened when the teacher demanded silence.

"Be quiet!" the teacher snapped, veins popping out of her forehead. "If you don't stop talking this instance--"

"_I'll kill you,"_ another voice added. His voice boomed and echoed through the classroom. The students stopped talking automatically, their gazes darting toward the person who had spoken. The speaker, a big man, stood in the corner of the room, wearing a psychopathic grin on his face. His hair spiked up in tall rods, all with small bells on the tip. A patch covered one of his scarred eyes. The only thing that even hinted that he was high school student was the ragged-up uniform he wore.

"So? Isn't it my turn?" said Kenpachi, his smile stretching even wider and crazier. The teacher, taken aback, only managed to splutter, "Y-yes, of course."

Kenpachi walked to the front of the room. The teacher, whose fear the new psycho-student was disappearing quickly, buried her nose under her clip board once more.

"You're Kenpachi Zaraki, correct?" she inquired, glancing up from her papers.

"Yep."

"Okay…" the teacher mumbled, marking her paper. Kenpachi slumped down his back, obviously bored. The teacher, who could see his disinterest in the corner of her eye, fumed and glared at him over her clip board.

"So, Zaraki," the teacher started, using her fake honey-sweet tone again. "Is there anything you can tell about yourself? Do you like school?"

"Nope," Kenpachi answered carelessly. The teacher almost gagged, and the students stifled their giggling. The teacher didn't even bother hide her glare this time, but she kept using the same tone of voice.

"Is there a particular reason why you came to our class?"

"Nope."

"Do you have good friends here?"

"Nope."

"Do you have a favorite subject?"

"Nope."

"Do you want to go to the principal's office?"

"Nope."

"Well, you seem like an _interesting_ person, Zaraki," the teacher concluded, her teeth grinding together in her smile. Kenpachi didn't seem the least scared of her, though. He didn't reply to her comment and yawned. The teacher's face went bright red. "Why don't you sit down now?" she asked, barely containing her annoyance.

Kenpachi sighed and walked back to his seat. The people next to him shifted their eyes and moved away from him slightly; to get away from him, or to avoid facing the wrath of their teacher, nobody knew.

Ichigo glanced up at the clock. The introductions had taken about fifteen minutes. Not bad, but he had hoped that it could've killed off a little more class time. Ichigo pulled out his pen and notebook, expecting the teacher to start off the day.

"Next student," the teacher called, her eyes still glued to the clipboard.

Ichigo looked up, surprised. _'Hasn't everybody gone yet?'_ he thought. Ichigo set down his pen. _'I thought that we were late enough to miss all the other introductions, but I guess I was wrong…'_

Ichigo waited, mentally guessing who the next shinigami would be, and how they would act to the teacher. Even though some of their actions made him cringe in fear, it was very interesting to see the reaction of the teacher.

"Grimmjow Jaggerjack," said the teacher.

Ichigo bolted up, almost jumping out of his seat. He looked around the room wildly. He didn't see a trace of the Sixth Espada, however.

'_There's probably someone else named Grimmjow,' _Ichigo reassured himself, but his heart still pulsed madly with shock. _'I mean, why would he be here, of all places?'_

He wouldn't, he answered.

"Excuse me, _Grimmjow Jaggerjack_," repeated the teacher when nobody came to the front of the room. Ichigo sighed, relieved; maybe there wasn't even going to be a Grimmjow in his class after all.

The teacher didn't seem nearly as relieved as Ichigo was. After having four late students, one kid with a mask, an old guy, and a psychopathic student, her patience was dying quickly. "GRIMMJOW JAG-"

"I heard you the first time, woman!"

Heads darted to the corner of the room. Ichigo held his breath; _the voice had been shockingly familiar. Too familiar, in fact._

Slowly, he turned his head along with the other students. Half-asleep and stumbling clumsily was none other than Sixth Espada, Grimmjow Jaggerjack.

Ichigo nearly died in his seat with shock. He watched numbly as Grimmjow staggered to the front of the room.

"It's nice that you've finally come, Jaggerjack," the teacher hissed. Grimmjow rubbed his eyes absentmindedly, blinking at the teacher.

"So what? Do I have to say something?" Grimmjow sneered, stretching out his arms. Ichigo could see imaginary fire stream from the teacher's nostrils, but the student in front of the room didn't seem to notice that he was angering his instructor at all.

"In fact, no," said the teacher. She didn't have any patience left at all. If her new student presented himself as someone who wouldn't give a decent introduction, so be it. "Sit back down, Jaggerjack."

Grimmjow apparently didn't like this answer; he growled and cursed under his breath, but nonetheless walked back to his seat. "The freakin' woman, screaming for me to come to the front of the room… when I come, she sends me back…"

The teacher, undoubtedly, had heard that comment, but strangely didn't punish Grimmjow, as the class expected. The atmosphere was tense; Ichigo could feel it. His fear of the Espada in his class quickly got replaced by his new fear of annoying the teacher. The students seemed to feel it as well; they stopped commenting on the new kids and sat straighter in their seats. No one found the antics on the Soul Society dwellers funny anymore. Ichigo gulped and pulled at the neck of his shirt nervously. Things were looking bad…

"Ulquiorra Schiffer," the teacher called almost regretfully.

Ichigo's heart lurched forward again with shock, but the feeling went away almost as fast as it came. Ichigo slumped back in his seat. _I should have known…_

The depressed-looking Espada trudged up to the teacher. She checked off his name on the attendance sheet and looked up wryly. "Well, Schiffer? Do you want to give an introduction, or you can just go back to your seat."

Ulquiorra grimaced at the question he was asked. His facial expressions showed that he wanted nothing more than to go back to his desk and not be bothered, but he sighed and turned to the class.

"My name is Ulquiorra Schiffer," the arrancar started in monotone. "I'm… fifteen years old. I like… erm, _practicing my skills_ in my free time. I dislike some certain people and testing food…"

Ichigo could tell he was making up stuff as he went. Even while he was absolutely terrified of what Aizen had in plan, Ichigo was still impressed at how the Fourth Espada came up with his introduction on the top of his head. An involuntary grin tugged at Ichigo's lips as tried imagining how the introduction would go if his enemy _didn't _lie…

"_My name is Ulquiorra Schiffer. I'm probably one-hundred something years old, but I don't remember. I like slapping Yammy and Grimmjow in my free time. I hate Grimmjow, trashy people…"_

Ichigo paused for a moment, trying to fit in something for 'testing food'. Why wouldn't the Espada not like testing food…?

--

Aizen tipped his cup of tea and sipped slowly, savoring every taste. He sighed, setting down the cup when he was finished. Aizen suddenly smiled to himself.

"_I am truly blessed," _Aizen thought, looking around at the plain white walls and floors in his room. _"I have such a lovely kingdom in the Las Noches, and very interesting subordinates. Grimmjow to keep me entertained, Gin and Tosen to help me see (even if they can't see themselves), __Szayel to steal glasses from when I need them, and Ulquiorra to test Orihime's terrible cooking for me! I am blessed…"_

"Aizen-sama!" a feminine cry interrupted his thoughts. Aizen looked up to see who add called him. He saw an indistinguishable blurry figure _("Where's Szayel?" Aizen demanded, rubbing his eyes)_, but he knew who it was from her voice.

"Yes, Orihime?" he inquired politely.

"I was just wondering where Ulquiorra went. Did he go off somewhere?" she asked, her tone equally as polite.

Aizen rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Yes, I think I did send him somewhere. He's not coming back for a while. If you need something, you can always ask me, Orihime."

"Oh, thank you!" Aizen watched Inoue's misty form move. He squinted his eyes; it didn't help a lot, but it looked like she was pulling out something from behind her back.

"This!" she chirped. Aizen could see vaguely that there was something in Inoue's arms, but he couldn't tell what.

"I'm sorry, Orihime," he apologized, rubbing his eyes unnecessarily. "It's… allergies. You know, spring is here and all, so I can hardly see. Could you please tell me what you're up to?"

"Oh, of course!" she replied happily. "I need you to test my new food idea! Turtle-and-fried grapes lasagna, with a touch of octopus tentacles and bean paste instead of cheese! I tried it myself already, and I think it's really, really good! I just want to see how others think of it, Aizen-sama!"

Suddenly, Aizen crumpled to the ground, unconscious.

"Aizen…-sama?"

--

Ichigo scratched his head, unable to find any reason why Ulquiorra wouldn't like testing food.

"_Ah, well,"_ he thought. _"It's not really that important."_

He reminded himself what _was_ important; the fact that the Espada were at his school. Fear flooded Ichigo's mind once more. _What was he going to do now…?_

"O~kay," the teacher nodded, a signal that Ulquiorra could go back to his seat. The new student obliged so quickly that Ichigo couldn't even see him move; he only noticed that Ulquiorra was back at his desk.

The teacher looked considerably happier when someone had finally given a decent introduction _(even though it was all lies)_ and sounded less frustrated when she called her final student. "Last student: Wonderweiss Margera."

Silence followed her announcement. Student looked at each other and scanned the room for anyone unfamiliar, Ichigo included.

"Who's Wonderweiss?" Ichigo whispered to Yumichika, who was nearby.

"I don't know," he replied, flipping back his hair. "But this person's name sounds beautiful! Of course, not as beautiful as mine, but it has a slight, you know, _dazzle_ to it!"

"Erm… yeah," Ichigo replied dryly. He quickly turned away when Yumichika pulled out a comb and started to brush his hair.

"Is Wonderweiss Margera here?" the teacher asked, raising her voice.

The class shrugged and looked at one another. The teacher sighed and sat down. She almost put her clip board away when…

"Ahh… Wonder…weiss."

The teacher looked up, searching for the student who replied. Her eyes met the dazed, violet eyes of Wonderweiss Margera.

"Are you… Wonderweiss?" the teacher inquired.

"Ahh…" the boy said, tilting his head slightly.

"I'm taking that as a 'yes'." The teacher checked her clipboard. She glanced at Wonderweiss and put her paper away without asking him to speak to the class.

"So!" she started, clasping her hands together. "Today we start with gym class! I expect you all know where the gymnasium is, and if you don't, just follow the class! I'm going to stay here and drink my coffee!"

The teacher sipped her drink slowly, with all the students watching her. When she noticed, her eyebrow raised and she lifted her hand to shoo them away. "Go, go!"

Ichigo stood up awkwardly with the rest of the class and walked hesitantly to the gym. He could see the Espada watching his every move in the corner of his eyes.

Ichigo shuddered, turning his head. He looked at old man Yamamoto. Surprisingly, the man was glaring fiercely at the Espada. Ichigo could read the look in his eyes:

"_You bad, BAD children. I will punish you…"_

Ichigo couldn't help himself and mentally corrected him:

"_You mean: You bad, BAD children. I will make you eat Orihime's cooking."_

* * *

A/N: That finishes chapter four for today, my friends! Many thanks to those who read and reviewed my story! Oh, and an apology: Really sorry for not updating this chapter sooner! I 'kinda lost motivation half-way, but that definitely won't stop me from completing this story! Also, (unlike Aizen's lie) I _do_ have allergies, and they really bother me in Spring. That might also slow me down, but I'll try to get the next chapter done as soon as possible.

CHAPTER FIVE: Retired Hulk!


	5. Retired Hulk

A/N: YOSH! Done before December; now none of you can fill my inbox with flames! Ahahahahaha! (but then again… _) Sorry about not updating, everyone. ONWARD!

DISCLAIMER: Yes, I have Tide detergent in my house. Other than that, I do not own Bleach. Or hulk.

* * *

_**How to be a Humanoid**_

_Retired Hulk_

"Hello, everybody!" the gym teacher greeted to Ichigo's class. "My name is Sora Inoue, and I am your new gym teacher! I'm sure you all know where the locker rooms are, but just to be sure: The boys' locker room is here, to my left, and girls', to my right. Once your done changing, please come back here to the gymnasium and I will take your attendance. Understood?"

"Understood," the class chorused back.

"Good! Then if you will, please go ahead," Sora said. He stepped aside, allowing students to go into the locker rooms.

The people started walking toward their designated door, chatting and taking their time. Ichigo walked among them, gazing at the gym teacher. He quickly grabbed Rukia's shoulder before she could enter the girls' locker room.

"Hey, Rukia. Is there anything familiar about our new teacher?" Ichigo quickly whispered.

"I don't know. And let go of me!" added Rukia, slapping his hand off her shoulder. Ichigo pulled back his hand indignantly, but stopped himself from complaining. "Well?" he asked again.

"Well…" she said, taking a good look at the teacher, "I dunno'. He _does_ look a little familiar; I guess we see him a lot in town or something."

Ichigo frowned; he was _sure_ there was something about him, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. Rukia observed his confused expression and sighed. "It doesn't really matter if the teacher looks weird to you, Ichigo," she snapped. "What _really_ matters is-- you know-- the Espada!"

"Right," Ichigo repeated exasperatedly. "The Espada."

--

"Hey, oldie, I hear you like gym," a boy commented, swaggering toward Yamamoto. He was the same kid who had called him 'old fart' during the introductions.

"Oh, yes, I suppose I do like this 'gym'," Yamamoto replied, not picking up the insult the boy had intended.

"Well, you should know that the first event is football," he continued. Then, with a cocky grin, he added, "And maybe you should know that _I_ am the leader of the football team."

"That's nice," Yamamoto said, as if didn't really care. The boy twitched, and then leered, marching up to the older man.

"So ya' think you can beat me, _oldie_?" the boy remarked, thrusting his fist at Yamamoto.

Other boys, whom were watching the boy and Yamamoto, waited expectantly. However, a gasp rose from the crowd when they saw something they weren't expecting: Yamamoto caught the boy's hand in a blink of an eye.

"Hey… what the--?" The younger man tried pulling his hand back. Yamamoto didn't let go. When the old man looked up, his expression scared everybody; his face was beat red, smoke streamed from his ears, and his pupils were replaced by fireballs.

"DO YOU HAVE ANY RESPECT, YOUNGSTER!?" he roared, strangling the boy madly. "NOW, YOU WILL FACE MY WRATH! _TURN EVERYTHING INTO ASH, RYUUJINJAKKA!!"_

Suddenly, Yamamoto's body burst into flames, burning all his clothes… and leaving him butt-naked.

"OH MY GAWD, TEH HULK!!" screamed Random Kid 23, who had noticed his huge, bulging, non-oldie muscles. Yamamoto whipped his head around, glaring daggers at him.

"Who's the hulk?" the shinigami demanded.

"Oh…uh, th-this really cool strong green guy," Random Kid 23 stammered nervously.

Yamamoto paused suddenly. He stoke his chin thoughtfully. "Green, huh? That sounds pretty cool," he admitted. He cleared his throat, proclaiming to the locker room, "I AM THE HULK!"

"No, you're not!" the boy spat, annoyed that he had been forgotten so easily. "The hulk is _hawt_. You are diffidently not hawt."

Yamamoto (who didn't quite grasp what the boy had meant) gestured at the dancing flames on his body. "Perhaps you are blind, boy, but I am, too, hot!"

"Ewwww… no, you're not!" he said, disgusted. "You're fugly!"

"I'm not fugly!" thundered Yamamoto, his face beat red with anger again. Then, he quickly turned around and whispered to Random Kid 23, "What does 'fugly' mean anyway?"

"Well…" Random Kid started, scratching his head. "Fugly means two words. 'F' for effin', and 'ugly' for ugly. He says that you're effin' ugly."

"Oh." Yamamoto scratched his head. "O-kay then, back on topic:

"Who are you to say, that I, Yamamoto the Great HULK, is not indeed hot? _Did you not see my body burst in flames with hotness!? _Perhaps you, foolish un-hot one, needs to be PUNISHED for defying your hotter elders!"

(Apparently, Yamamoto never understood the term 'hot' in other meanings than temperature.)

Boy twitches. No one says anything.

"…I mean seriously…how could the school let in people with _holes_ in their body join our class!? Like, even if we can't explain that they're evil hollow Espadas…" Ichigo mumbled to himself, finally arriving to the boys' locker room. "…those huge HOLES better be pretty obvious…and…and…"

Ichigo looked up slowly, noticing the awkward and unusual silence that hovered in the atmosphere. There, right in front of him, he could see in plain-view a good look at butt-naked Yamamoto.

"Aaaah!!!…wh-what are you doing without your clothes!? And how come you're on fire!?" demanded Ichigo, stuttering and jumping back.

"Ah, Ichigo, my boy…" Yamamoto started, heading toward the red-headed Vizard, who was frantically scrambling back, "tell me now… TELL ME THAT I'M HOT!!"

"Wha…what the--!"

"I AM HOT, AM I NOT!? THAT RHYMED!!!" Yamamoto started strangling Ichigo like a mad man, butt-naked, and on fire. Ichigo's face went purple, then blue without air, squeaking sounds 'gck hismp gack eeeeees…!' and the like.

-somewhere at the corner of the boys' locker room-

Grimmjow sat, cross-legged on the benches, looking away from Yamamoto disinterestedly. He looked over to his companion, who seemed sulking in the corner.

Ulquiorra was leaning against the corner wall, changed into his gym clothes and glaring at Yamamoto in disgust. His hands were cupped together. Occasionally, Grimmjow saw him talk into his palm or stroke whatever that he was holding gently. Raising an eyebrow, he walked over to the Fourth Espada.

"What's in your hand?" he demanded harshly.

"…Buddy," Ulquiorra whispered softly, a warm expression washing over his usually-calm and sullen face. Grimmjow twitched, taking a couple of steps back. _'Did this guy take his meds today…?'_

"Uh…what's a Buddy?" he asked bluntly.

The other boy smiled, tears suddenly springing to his eyes. "Buddy…Buddy is the greatest thing that ever happened to me!" he choked, tears of happiness gushing from his huge, sparkly eyes. "I…I love Buddy! Buddy…are you there…? I--"

_Thwap!_ Ulquiorra crumpled to the floor, grinning and crying and mumbling incoherent words under his breath. Grimmjow stepped back, horrified at the sudden change of the stoical Espada; he had swung his fist at the side of his head, knocking him out cold. _'I guess not cold enough to get him to shut up…'_ Grimmjow noted, his face still white. _'I knew this freak was mental…'_

"_Fweeeeeee!!" _The sound of a whistle cracked like a whip throughout the boys' locker room. "Alright, everyone!" Sora's voiced echoed. "Out of the locker rooms! Into the gym for the attendance-- now!"

One by one, the students got up and trotted back out the door. Yamamoto dropped Ichigo (whom now looked like a half-dead, indigo mannequin) and followed the group.

A couple of people stepped on top of poor Ichigo.

"_Ouch. Ouch. Ow. Ouch."_

--

"I'm going to take attendance. As I call your name, raise your hand or tell me you're here," the teacher instructed, pulling out a clip board.

Sora started to call out the names, one by one. When he was done, only one person was missing.

"Ichigo Kurosaki?" he called out, frowning. "Is Ichigo Kurosaki here today?"

"…Nnn…" a voice mumbled from the boys' locker room. Ichigo crawled out, scratched up and covered in foot prints. He coughed a couple of times before he managed to say weakly, "Yeah. I'm here."

"Um… great!" Sora dropped the clip board, clapping. "Okay, everyone! Outside to the football field!"

Everybody raced outside, cramming through the double-doors and flying out into the grass-- except for Ichigo, who was crawling on the ground and mumbling curse words under his breath, and Sora, who walked calmly to the door, holding it open for the injured red-head.

"Wait a second, Ichigo," said Sora as the Vizard dragged himself up to the door. "May I speak to you for a minute?"

"Huh?" Ichigo look up, surprised. "Er… sure, why not?"

With some effort, he stumbled to his feet. The gym teacher led Ichigo into his office; Ichigo looked around, wondering what this was going to be about.

"Um… what about the rest of the class?" he asked uncertainly, glancing that the double-doors that everyone else had left though.

"Hm. Well, with my first impression on this class, I would guess that they won't be needing a teacher to start the game by themselves," he answered, pulling up two chairs and gesturing for Ichigo to sit down. "Anyways, I'd like to discuss something rather important… you wouldn't mind missing most of gym class, would you?"

Looking at the dead-pan serious expression on Sora's face, Ichigo knew he would rather be outside and kicked around by every shinigami and arrancar than staying with the gym teacher. _'But it's not like I have any choice…' _he thought grimly. "Not at all."

--Meanwhile…--

"You waited a second after I did scissors, cheater!" Grimmjow accused Hanataro, who was holding his hand, balled up to represent a rock.

"I-I did not!" he stuttered back.

"That's the fifth game of rock-paper-scissors! Hurry up!" a voiced called, annoyed.

"Just admit defeat, Grimmjow," Ulquiorra said dryly, who had dropped the Buddy topic for the moment (although he still had his left-hand curled into a fist, as though something were inside it).

"Not to some cheater," the teal-haired Espada snarled hotly. "Again!"

Hanataro opened his mouth as if to say something, but one look at the menacing glare Grimmjow wore and he quickly retreated, starting up another game of rock-paper-scissors.

"_Rock-paper-scissors: shoot!"_

Grimmjow had chosen paper, and Hanataro held two fingers out to indicate scissors.

"You cheated, you filthy shinigami!" the arrancar roared again. The students groaned, and Hanataro shrunk back, trembling.

Ulquiorra rolled his eyes. "Oh, boy…"

--back at the office--

"What!?" Ichigo slammed his fists down, gawking. "I…I knew you looked familiar…"

It was only now did Ichigo remember who Sora Inoue was-- he was, indeed, Orihime's brother, and one of the first hollows Ichigo had ever fought as a substitute-shinigami in replace of Rukia.

"Yes, yes…" Sora continued impatiently. "But what's important is that _Orihime isn't safe. _I heard rumor that she had been kidnapped by a bunch of powerful hollows. Is that true?"

"But…didn't I kill you or something? How are you still alive?"

He twitched a couple of times. "I don't care! Is Orihime really currently at the hands of dangerous hollows?"

Ichigo paused. "She is," he answered bitterly. "The Espada took her; Aizen has her right now."

"Then save her!" the gym teacher demanded. "You can't just let my little sister suffer! What kind of friend are you?"

"We're trying!" Ichigo responded, equally as angry. "We've been working at it! Aizen isn't a weakling, and nor are the Espada. We're currently at a weak state; the Seireitei has just 'blown up' and the shinigami are staying here-- at Karakura town!-- for the time's sake… and we just found out, some Espada are here in the school, too!"

"…The bad guys?" When Ichigo nodded, Sora blinked a couple of times before he regained his senses. "What are they doing at the school? What do they want?"

"To kill us, probably," he mumbled.

"Tell me more about this." Sora leaned back, folding his hands together and waiting.

Ichigo sighed. _'Why me…?'_

--back outside in the football field--

"…that's the twenty-second game you've lost, Grimmjow," Ulquiorra informed his short-tempered partner. "Give up. People are getting angry."

'Getting angry' wouldn't have been the best words to describe how every other shinigami and student were feeling-- especially those on Hanataro's team. They were already furious since the Sixth Espada decided to have a third game of rock-paper-scissors; now, half of them were ready to kill the arrancar themselves, and the other half sitting down on the grass, bored and waiting for the game to start.

"What's taking so long!?" Hitsugaya demanded, annoyance evident in the glint of his eyes.

"None of your business, kindergartener," said Grimmjow.

…

"What did you call me?" Toshiro's face went dark and dangerous.

"Nothing important, shorty," Grimmjow answered dismissively.

The captain was fuming, practically shaking with anger.

"Now, now, tiacho…" Matsumoto said, laughing nervously and taking hold of the white-haired shinigami shoulders and pulling him back. "You know he's nothing but a dumb Espada, trying to get on your nerves… _and he's right, too_," she added in a barely-audible whisper.

Unfortunately, it seemed that Hitsugaya could hear barely-audible whispers.

"MATSUMOTO!!"

--back to the office, again--

"…and since she has abilities that they can use to their advantage, we'd assume that they don't want to hurt her, in fear that they'll lose these advantages," Ichigo finished for the second time.

"But how do you guys know that she's okay!?" Sora asked, frantic.

"You asked me that already!" Ichigo snapped back. "I've told you; they want to hold her ransom, so they've got to keep her alive, and she has powers that they need, so they probably aren't going to hurt her! We've seen her, too-- she's in good condition! We're doing as much as we can right now; if we just all run off into the Hueco Mundo, we'll be defeated and Orihime'll be in more danger!_… and not to mention, she's probably murdering all of them with her cooking right now…" _he added under his breath.

"There has to be a start," Sora said firmly. "Is there any way to convince the leading shinigami to train quickly in order to save Orihime, and get the Espadas in our town _out_, so we don't put anyone else in danger?"

"You're telling me," the orange-haired teen agreed exasperatedly. "I tried before. They seem to think that staying here is the better idea, though. But eliminating the three Espada that are already on Earth will give us a small advantage; we have all the powerful shinigami to fight against those three, so if we defeat them, that's three less from what we have to fight later." He shrugged, then sat upright, waiting for another one of Sora's questions.

"Orihime is in danger!" he cried out for the seventh time.

"Shut up! I know!" Without thinking, Ichigo hit Sora square in the jaw, knocking him backwards.

'_Uh-oh…'_ Ichigo scratched his head, unsure of what to do. He walked over to the unconscious body, examining the teacher. He was out cold.

The Vizard stepped back, perplexed. _'Now what…?'_

--back outside with everyone else--

"Again! Another game!" Grimmjow demanded.

A couple of people groaned, but everyone else was on the grass, sleeping. Ulquiorra didn't even bother tell the Espada anything, and reverted to talking into his palm again about 'Buddy'. Nobody-- except for Hitsugaya-- seemed angry anymore, but merely bored with the whole process.

"That cheater can't possibly win fifty-one games in a row without using some trick," Grimmjow accused again. "I'm going to play until I find out his trick-- or win."

Hanataro gulped, looking as if the thing he wanted most was to lose and get the dangerous turquoise-haired man off his back. "Really, sir, I'm not cheating-- but if you want to start the game, go ahead…"

"No!" he barked. "Again!"

The Seventh-Seated officer of the Fourth division looked ready to cry as he held his hand out for another game of rock-paper-scissors-- but he did not, and once again, he played Grimmjow.

"_Rock-paper-scissors: shoot!…?"_

Before the results of the fifty-second game was shown, however, a strange charging-noise had filled the air. It sounded like a nuclear laser being loaded-- or a Cero being prepared to launch.

"What's that noise?" someone asked. No on answered, until…

"Aah…" a voice echoed absent-mindedly.

Everyone's attention was immediately directed to the new student, Wonderweiss.

The purple-eyed, blond Espada stood rather far away from the rest of the group, the football in hand and his foot glowing unnaturally.

"Aaaahh…." he said again to nobody in particular. The glowing in his foot grew, shining even brighter.

"…what are you doing?" Ulquiorra questioned softly, but he had some-what of an idea of what was going to happen next. _'I knew it was a bad idea to bring him…'_

"Aah… Ha!" Wonderweiss threw the ball into the air. It sailed, slow-motion, up into the sky, then drifting back down to earth. Just before it touched the floor, however…

"Aha!"

_Bam_. With the glowing foot, which was charged with Cero, the arrancar kicked the ball.

"AAAAAAHHH!!!" It sailed through the air, over the screaming heads of the students, and right into the school building-- the wall crumbled to pieces as soon as the Cero-charged football touched it.

'_I see something bright,' _Ichigo thought as he watched that something destroy the outer wall of the office. _'I see something bright that's hurling at me really fast.'_

…

"WHAT THE HECK--!?" Thinking quickly, Ichigo threw his hands in front of his face, just before it flew right into him, squeezing his eyes shut.

_Plop._ His hands burned with pain, but not as much as he had anticipated. Ichigo opened one eye, looking down at the object in his hands.

It was a football.

Completely nonplussed, he looked up at the awkward scene in front of him: Grimmjow and Hanataro, both standing up and frozen in a game of rock-paper-scissors (Hanataro had paper, and Grimmjow rock); the rest of the students on the ground, faces completely white with horror; and Wonderweiss, all the way in the back, laughing and clapping.

Meanwhile, they gawked at the scenario Ichigo presented himself in; inside the gym office-- or what was left of it, after the football destroyed the wall--, having caught a Cero-football, with the teacher unconscious on the floor.

All was silent. No one seemed to have anything good enough to explain the entire thing.

…

"Ah, that was refreshing," yawned a student on the grass, stretching. He woke up, looking at everybody, frozen and staring at each other. Bemused, he switched to look at Ichigo, who had the football in his hand. He brightened up considerably. "Has the game started? Does that kid have the ball?" Without waiting for an answer, he stood up.

"The game has started!"

"Huh…?" Ichigo looked down at the ball, then at the students, then at the ball again. "What are you talking about…?"

But just as he started looking back up at the students, he heard thousands of footsteps prowling their ways to his direction.

'_I see a lot of students, shinigami, and Espada. I see a lot of students, shinigami, and Espada running at me in very high speeds, none looking like they would stop before they hit me.'_

--

Ichigo sighed. He wanted to run his hand through his hair-- a habit he developed whenever he found himself in a particularly stressful situation-- but he couldn't, seeing that both his hair and arms were tightly secured in casts and bandages.

Everybody from the gym class was now in the nurse's office. There were so many students, the hospitals decided not to move them all into different buildings, but to use the office and work on everybody in there instead. None of the staff quite knew what had happened, but so wrapped up healing each and every injured person, they didn't need to know. Some were lucky, with only minor cuts and sprains, but some-- like Ichigo, had received a lot of damage.

"Don't touch me with that, woman!" a familiar voice barked.

Grimmjow, as the rest of the Espada and shinigami, had gotten very hurt-- it seemed that only human high school students who decided to hide instead of play escaped without getting a broken bone or two.

Ichigo sighed again. But after a while, he decided that it wasn't so bad-- everybody was too injured to do much, so he knew they would, at least, escape a war with the Espada today.

"Ichigo Kurosaki?" a nurse's gentle voice called.

"Y-yeah…" he muttered, his neck partially choked with the bandages.

"The Rocket Club has come to see you."

'_The Rocket Club?' _he asked himself. _'What's that? I've never heard of a Rocket Club in this school… and what would they want with me? I don't have any interests in rockets…' _But he answered, nonetheless. "Sure. Bring them in."

A sound of foot steps pit-patted on the floors, stopping at his bed. He wished he could turn his head and see what was going on, but at the state he was in, it was impossible. Instead, Ichigo waited for all the footsteps to stop, and for them to start talking first.

"Why, hello there, Strawberry-tan!" a cheery, childish voice greeted suddenly.

'_Oh, no.' _If he could, Ichigo would hit his head into a wall. _'Not them too…'_

* * *

A/N: Sorry, everybody, for the long update. It's done, finally!

CHAPTER SIX: Go To Karakura Highschool and Annoy Ichigo Kurosaki Today!

* * *

And, as a new way to respond to my active readers and reviewers, I would like to personally address each person who had reviewed after Chapter Four's update:

fan girl 666: Thanks for the review! Yeah, I'm sorry it wasn't as soon was I would've hoped, but I appreciate that you took the time to read my story ^^

Wild Dragon's breath: Thanks ^^ I guess I made Ulquiorra the one to test food because Aizen usually let's worse things happen to misbehaving arrancar, doesn't he? He let Grimmjow's arm get burned off one time, and let Luppi die _ lol And it's always fun to torture the good people, isn't it? Anyways, thank you for the review and for reading my story. ^^

CO Raven: He sure did XD And thank you for taking your time to read my story ^^

auburn-haired-sadist-XD: I would never think to discontinue it ^^ I'm glad you're so pleased with the story; thanks for the review!

IKLOP: Dear god, Jessica… you can scream at me in real life… and I don't remember when you put this review in, either. -laughs- Either way, you can tell your friend it's finally updated _ (and stop bothering me!)

lendaras: Poker night? That sounds like a good idea…beer… -grins evilly- And thank you, I'm glad you think it's a great crack fic XD Cracks are personally my own favorite… thank you for taking your time to R&R-- I hope to hear from you again!

Kuro-puuAndFaiLuvers: Ah, it was you who finally got me to realize how much I was missing by not updating… aside from taking the time to read and review, I thank you for reminding me the importance of not being lazy… Thanks a lot, KuroLuver!


	6. Go To KKHS and Annoy Ichigo Today!

A/N: Ugh, I'm finding typos all over my story and silly grammar mistakes…

DISCLAIMER: If I owned Bleach, there would be a year-long gap between the updating of every three episodes. (And, I do not own Geiko. Or Shonen Jump.)

-note: due to the combined excessive swearing of both Grimmjow and Hiyori, I have decided that I can no longer keep the rating K+. -sighs- Waste of my efforts, if I must say…

-NOTE 2: Before, this was going to be 'Test Social Studies and Vizard: FAIL!' (like it said at one point in the previous chapter), but due to the length, I've decided to cut it down into two. Okay, ONWARDS!!

* * *

_**How to be a Humanoid**_

_Go To Karakura Highschool and Annoy Ichigo Kurosaki Today!_

"Why're you guys here!?" Ichigo hissed, not bothering to keep the bitterness out of his voice.

"Aww, we just wanted to see you, Ichi!" whined the same childish voice.

'_Fat chance…'_ Ichigo tried to crane his neck over to see his visitors, but stopped automatically when he heard a sickening 'pop' come from the right side of his head.

"Don't move so much now, Ichigo," a voice yawned from his bed side. "You don't wanna' be hanging around here longer than you already have to stay. We'll come over in a second…."

"No need," Ichigo grumbled, but they started hobbling closer anyway. In front of him now stood-- in his opinion-- the demons that were most diffidently going to make his horrible day even worse, all in the disguise as cheerful Vizards in strange red uniforms.

"How'd you get yourself all beaten up like that, Ichigo?" a man with jaw-length, straight blond hair asked in mock-concern.

The orange-haired Vizard leered at him-- he should've known that Shinji would probably laugh at his situation… but he was also pretty sure that they wouldn't find if so funny if _they_ were in his position; he was just about to tell him to close his mouth until someone else did it for him.

"Shut up!" _Smack._ Shinji went flying out of Ichigo's sight, a red sandal-imprint glowing angrily on his cheek. Ichigo flinched slightly as he heard the Vizard's crash.

"Oww…" he heard Shinji wince.

Ichigo sighed, looking up to the person who had hit him away. Hiyori stood in Shinji's place, twirling a sandal in her hand, a smug look on her face.

'_Hiyori punished Shinji for mocking me?' _Ichigo asked himself, slight confused. _'I guess she was nicer than I thought…'_

"I was about to say that," she snarled at the direction that Shinji had flown. Turning back to Ichigo, she snapped, "How did you get yourself all beaten up like that, dickhead?"

'…_or not.'_

Shuddering slightly at himself for even considering that Hiyori would be nice to him, Ichigo regained his sense of what was going on. "You'd be like this too, if five-hundred people came flying at you all at once," he shot back. "And what are you doing here!?"

"We're here because we feel like to," the small blonde girl remarked.

"We're here because we need to test you on your hollow-controlling abilities," Lisa answered after her solemnly, looking up from her magazine.

"My hollow-controlling abilities?" Ichigo repeated, giving a questioning look towards Love (Hiyori had started barking at Lisa on something about 'keeping it a secret').

"Shinji figured that it would be a good idea if we watched over you for a while at school, just to see if you could keep your inner hollow under control," the man with a spiked afro answered. When Ichigo raised an eyebrow, he added, "Well, we were kinda' bored, too, so we figured springing a pop-test on your hollow-controlling abilities would give us something to do."

"Can't you find anything else to do for fun?" he questioned, exasperated.

"The _Shonen Jump _doesn't have anything interesting featured this week!"

"Then read Lisa's porno magazines!" Ichigo demanded. _'Why the hell is everybody suddenly coming to my school!?'_

Alas, if only Ichigo looked a little bit closer in the newspapers, or watched the television more carefully, or bothered to read the cover of a magazine… or read the label on his toilet seat, or listened to anybody who had tried to speak to him, or had thought to decipher the fortune the fortune-teller had told him the previous month… he might have known _exactly_ why everybody was bombarding his life:

-random clips around the world start rolling-

--

"Look! A blimp!" a small child cried, pointing at the huge aircraft.

"It's another one of those 'Go-to-Karakura-Highschool-today-and-annoy-Ichigo-Kurosaki' blimps," the child's mother informed him, pulling him along. "Come, now, we have more grocery shopping to do…"

--

"Ah! We've found a fossil, sir!" an architect called over his shoulder. "Look at this!"

Instantly, people crowded around him, whispering and pointing at the fossil. A large man made way though, taking the fossil out of the architect's hands and brushing the dirt off gingerly.

"It's another 'Go-to-Karakura-Highschool-today-and-annoy-Ichigo-Kurosaki' fossil," he told the man, whom started to look very disappointed. "Keep trying, I'm sure we'll find something useful…"

--

"Here you go, tiacho!" Matsumoto chirped, passing a cup of tea to her very-injured captain. "No sugar, just how you like it!"

"Ugh, you got me one of those 'Go-to-Karakura-Highschool-today-and-annoy-Ichigo-Kurosaki' mugs…" Hitsugaya muttered, looking at the print underneath the cup. He put the cup to his lips and took a sip, nonetheless.

--

A piece of tumbleweed rolls through the desert, drifting in the air. It gets caught in a cactus. A lizard crawls out, pulling out the tumbleweed; he finds a piece of paper hidden in the straw.

"Aw, it's another one of those 'Go-to-Karakura-Highschool-today-and-annoy-Ichigo-Kurosaki' ads…" the lizard complained. "Fifteen minutes can save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance."

--

-end of clips-

As if reading Ichigo's mind, Love perked up. "Yeah, how come there's shinigami and Espada in this nurse's office, anyway?" he inquired.

"Stupid reasons, but not much stupider than yours'," Ichigo answered, shaking his head as much as the bandages would let. "And what're those weird costumes for?"

The Vizards were all sporting bright red spandex jump-suits and electric blue capes, with the words 'Rocket Club' sewed onto the front.

"It's 'cause we're part of the school rocket club now!" Mashiro chirped, bouncing of the corner of his bed. "Heehee, and I don't think it looks weird! It looks good on me, at least, but Kensei looks really dumb--!"

"That's because you always look like a weirdo," Kensei snapped, pushing Mashiro back. "We're going to be in the Rocket Club until your test is finished; just don't let your hollow take over your body for a week, and we're off your back."

"Nn." Ichigo slumped back into his bed. So it wasn't as bad as he thought. _'They'll only be here for a week-- as long as Shirosaki stays put, but he probably won't bother me at school. Plus, the Espada probably won't want to bother us now, seeing that these guys are here…' _The more he thought about it, the better the situation seemed. After being tackled by a full class of humans, shinigami and Espada, not a lot of predicaments could top off being worse.

"Right," Ichigo mumbled, pulling up his covers slightly. His bandages tightened around his arms as he did so. "You guys can do whatever you want, but I'm going to be stuck here for a while. Thanks for visiting," he added as an afterthought.

"Ah, Ichigo," Shinji drawled on, shaking his head. "There's another reason we came here, other than to tell you about our test."

Ichigo watched him pull a small bottled ointment from his sleeve. Shinji set it into the red-head's palm.

"What's this?" he asked, turning the bottle over in his hand.

"A special ointment Urahara created for me, so I could heal faster after getting beaten to pulp by Hiyori." When Ichigo raised his eyebrow, he quickly added, "It's true! Have you seen her smash down mountains with that sandal?"

"Uh…then why did you give this to me?" Ichigo asked, bemused.

"Wow, Ichigo…" Shinji sighed, taking a seat. "You're really slow, aren't you?" When Ichigo only blinked, he threw his hands in the air. "To heal yourself, idiot!"

"Oh." He looked down at the bottle again, examining it. "Thanks."

"The Rocket Club has decided to make a generous donation to everyone who got involved in the football incident," Hachigen explained as Shinji started pulling up a large crate of ointments. "We have about enough for everyone in this office. You'll be up and out of bed in no time, Ichigo."

"Huh? Thanks, I guess…" said Ichigo uncertainly, handing the bottle back to its owner.

"Aaah, you say 'thanks', but your tone says different," Shinji noted tauntingly. "Now don't tell me you want to stay in bed all day, Ichi!"

"I don't," he answered. Shinji had unscrewed the bottle and offered it back to Ichigo. "But… well, I kinda' figured that being here all day would be a lot better than trying to survive the rest of the school day with _them_." He jerked his head slightly to the right, gesturing to the other patients.

Shinji folded the ointment back into Ichigo's hands, shaking his head slowly. "You can't miss a day of school now, Ichigo! Aren't your exams coming up? And don't you have an upcoming quiz on Social Studies or something? The teacher told me," he added.

"Don't remind me," groaned Ichigo. "And how is the quiz supposed to encourage me to get out of bed?"

"Don't be lazy, Ichi! You suck too much to afford it…" Shinji jeered, getting up and hoisting the crate of bottles in arms.

"Excuse me?" he spat, scrambling up and opening many wounds in his back.

"Never mind, never mind… be sure to use that ointment wisely! I probably won't have much to spare after healing this lot." With that said, Shinji made his way to the nurse with the box, leaving Ichigo to simmer in annoyance.

'_Hypocritical ass…' _Ichigo sighed, holding the vial up to eye-level. He shook the tiny bottle. The clear liquid sloshed around in it.

He frowned. How was this tiny bottle supposed to heal all of his injuries? It was barely the length of his pinky finger… and his pinky certainly needed the least treatment, compared to the rest of his body.

"How the hell…?"

"Hm?" Rose had looked up from his manga. "Is there something wrong, Ichigo?"

"Only that the medicine Shinji gave me turns out to be just a drop or two," he answered grimly.

"Ah, lemme help you with that." He got up, brushing his long blond hair over his shoulders. Bending down next to the orange-haired Vizard, he gingerly took the glass bottle, careful not to spill the contents.

"These are really effective, for what little you've got," he explained, tapping the vial gently. "I'll show you. Take off the bandages on your head."

Ichigo complied, slowly taking off the white-- or used to be white-- cloth. The sudden coldness and release of the wound made his cut split wide open; suddenly, he felt woozy and sick.

"Ugh…" he pressed his palm to his forehead; he could feel the warm blood gush between his fingers.

"Yeesh, pretty nasty, that one…." commented Rose.

"Then please do something other than watch me bleed!?" he suggested, a note of panic evident as the red trickled down his face.

"Hold on, hold on…." Ichigo watched his blurry figure grab a clean towel. Pressing the opening of the ointment onto the cloth, he tipped the bottle over very slightly before bringing it back down. Within every passing second, Ichigo's vision got darker and fuzzier.

Just before he passed out, Rose stepped above him and dabbed the slightly-damp towel on his forehead. At first, it felt rather cool… but a second later, Ichigo felt the effect.

"Ouch!" His forehead seared, peppery-hot and burning. He could swear that steam was curling out of the cut. "It's burning!"

Rose chuckled, but he didn't remove the cloth. "Burning, Ichigo?"

"Ow! G-get it off me!" he demanded, withering in pain-- but to no avail, as Rose kept the towel pressed firmly pressed on his head. He felt tears of agony form, but too proud to let them fall, the Vizard resorted to cursing violently.

However, the heat subdued rather quickly, to Ichigo's relief. After a couple of seconds, the blond removed the cloth, walking back a couple of steps and examining Ichigo.

"Well, your face is still covered in blood, but I think the cut is gone…" said Rose, squinting closely. "Yep, it's gone. Are you crying now, Ichigo?" he asked, a trace of amusement lingering in his tone.

"No," he replied scathingly. Rose ran another towel under a sink-- squeezing the excess water out of the blue wash-cloth, he held it out to Ichigo. "Wash up."

Ichigo obliged, scrubbing his face thoroughly, (and tearing open many stitches in his arms while doing so) not feeling a trace of the injury that had been there a moment ago. When he was done, he set the towel on the side.

"Take a look," Rose encouraged, pulling out a mirror and holding it up for Ichigo.

'_No blood, no wound, and no tears,' _he noted. _'Not a bad trade for that crazy-painful ointment.' _"Thanks," he murmured, waving the mirror away.

"Well, now that you know how to use it, I'll go back to reading _Shonen Jump… _or whatever's left that Love hasn't spoiled…" Rose added, pulling up the manga.

Ichigo nodded. Picking up the small bottle, he could see that Rose had been right; he still had a lot of liquid left. Sighing, he grimaced as he unwrapped the bandages on his chest, ready for the dizzy pain that hit him once the wound opened, and also ready for the even worse burning pain of the ointment…

--

After ten more minutes of pure torture, Ichigo was completely healed. He noticed that as he finished up with the medicine, it became increasingly less painful; maybe it was because he was getting used to the burn, or maybe it had to do with the fact that everyone else in the nurses' office was screaming with him.

'_Either way, it's over,' _he thought, stretching.

"Everyone, please wait a moment to hear this announcement," a nurse's voiced called out, slightly louder than the screeches of the students. "If you're done, please go to your fourth period class! I repeat: once you're done, please return to your fourth period class!"

Ichigo sighed, relaxing his muscles. _'I guess I won't be missing that test after all…' _he reminded himself, disappointed.

--

"…and I know that your time has been cut due to the football chaos…" the teacher continued, lecturing the class with a loud, sharp voice. "…but you will all have enough time for the test! It's not very hard and you should all get As and Bs… if you've studied, of course."

Ichigo gulped, pulling at the neck of his shirt. He could see many other students with similar reactions-- most of them being the new students, who hadn't prepared for the test.

Everyone was out of the nurses' office now, due to the effectiveness of Shinji's ointments. Some of the students were hoarse from screaming (_'It wasn't really _that_ horrible…' _Ichigo pointed out in slight disgust), but all of them were free from any major injuries.

Ichigo was now trapped in the hopeless situation he'd been hoping to avoid since the night the shinigami arrived. It seemed so long ago, he could hardly believe that it had only been yesterday.

But yesterday or not, he still had to deal with a test that he should've-- but didn't-- study for.

"I know that many of you are new to the school," the teacher boomed, slapping her hand down on a stack of papers (and scaring many front-row students in the process). "so I'll cut you some slack."

Ichigo stirred, then jolted up. Could it be…? Are the shinigami and Espada are actually proving to be useful in his time of need? He sat upright, listening intently.

"That is why," she went on, "I am going to make this a class-grade rather than a test…"

Yes! Finally, he would be getting a taste of the good-end of the entire Soul Society-in-school fiasco. Ichigo sighed in relief, slumping down into his seat.

"…for the new students only! As for the rest of you, I expect nothing but the best."

…

'_I guess I should've known…' _Ichigo thought before he mentally started listing every curse word he knew.

"I'm passing out the tests now. When you get the test, you can start immediately."

With that said, the teacher started handing out the papers, one-by-one.

Ichigo took the paper that was held out to him and started skimming through the questions.

'_Eight multiple choice, one open-ended…' _he noted quickly, looking up at the clock, _'…and twenty minutes of class. Okay, let's do this….'_

He read the first question, mouthing the words as he went along.

'"_What is the date of the… the Japanese Era of… Con-fe…wha?"' _Ichigo scratched his head, unable to decipher the word. _'Okay, now maybe I can make a smart guess… a.) 1756 b.) 1765 c.) 1759 d.) 1764... None of them stand out…'_

Ichigo mulled through the question a couple more times before he decided that he couldn't pull up the answer any time soon. Leaving it aside, he went to the next question.

…which didn't turn out to be any easier.

'_O-kay… question three!' _he reassured himself. However, he was only to be let down; every single question, down to the open-ended, proved to be much too hard for someone who hadn't bothered to take one look at the assigned text book. Finally, Ichigo gave up.

'_I should've studied…' _he told himself for the fifth time. Grabbing his hair in frustration, he sunk into the desk and moped.

And he moped.

And moped some more.

After five minutes of pitying himself, he decided that there were better things to think about. First, it was about how he could make up for this test he was sure to fail. _'I'll just have to study harder, do all my homework, and maybe do some extra-credit…'_ And when he got bored of that, he went back to thinking about what he was going to do with all the Soul-Society dwellers at his school. _'Maybe I can ask Urahara to help me or something…?'_ And when there was finally only seven minutes left in the period, Ichigo finally realized that he couldn't hand in a completely blank test and escape un-scolded (or perhaps un-maimed) by his teacher.

'_Well, here goes my luck-- which has proved to fail me every single time….' _he grumbled in his head, picking up his pencil. He quickly jotted down his name and the date, then hovered the tip over the first question. _'A, B, C or D? Let's see… ugh, I probably have more chance of getting a better score if I handed in a hallowed potato or something…'_

'_**Didja' call me, Kiiiiiiiiiiing?'**_ an all-too familiar voice rang in his head, high-pitched and slightly crazy.

'_No, I didn't! Get out of here, hollow,' _warned Ichigo, dropping down his pencil.

'_**Aww, 'ow come? Yer always sooo boooorin'…'**_ Shirosaki's taunting voice whined.

'_I'm taking a test! Two, actually,' _he thought angrily, reminding himself of the Vizard's quiz he was given. _'If you keep bothering me, I'm probably going to fail both!'_

'_**An' what's so wrong 'bout that? Ya' always hated studin' anyways….'**_

'_Whether I like it or not doesn't matter! I need some other career than being a substitute-shinigami some time in the future, you know.'_

'_**Well…' **_Shirosaki paused. _**'Ya' takin' some test on history?'**_

'_Yes, and I've only got a couple more minutes left,' _reminded Ichigo wearily. _'I don't know any of the answers, but I've got to make something up before I hand it in.'_

'_**How come? With yer luck, you're gonna' fail with a zero either way-- bein' honest here,'**_ he added when he noticed that his 'king' was getting very annoyed.

'_Because the teacher will kill me if I hand in some a blank paper?' _Ichigo suggested sarcastically, as if the answer should have been obvious.

'_**Then lemme guess, at least! Anyone's guess is better than yer's, Ichi-King!'**_ A mad fit of giggles followed this statement.

'_Pfft,' _he rolled his eyes, picking up his pencil. He glanced at the time. Five minutes. Shirosaki's probably not going to leave him alone any time soon, so why not? _'Sure. Question one: A, B, C or D?'_

'_**I dunno'. Gimme!'**_

Suddenly, right after those words, he felt the hollow slipping into his body, taking control over him.

'_No! No, I never said you could take control…' _Ichigo gasped in his mind, feeling the darkness glaze over his mind. _'No! Out! NOW!'_

'_**No, no, no! My turn, I've been cooped up in yer borin' hell-of-a mind fer way too long! See what you can do all day, stuck with all those blindin' white boxes…!'**_

'_Wait…please….' _He started to loose the feel in his fingers and legs. _'Don't do this to me…!'_

'_**Sorry, King.' **_He could almost see Shirosaki shrug. _**'No can do. Yes, my turn!'**_

His insane crackling almost slipped past Ichigo's lips, but he clamped his mouth shut with all the control he had left and suppressed it. He knew his eyes and hair were probably already changing color… would he have his mask, or would Shirosaki use some common sense and figure that a mask wasn't the best thing to wear in school? Either way, Ichigo was about done….

* * *

A/N: Eh, kinda' short? Nah. Whatever... CHAPTER SIX IS DONE!! :D

CHAPTER SEVEN: GAME OVER.

* * *

Review-Replies to those who reviewed after chapter five's release:

auburn-haired-sadist-XD: Thank you so much for the review! (lol and here I was thinking this chapter might've been a failure…) ^^ I hope this chapter can live up to the previous one; thanks again for reading my story!

Kuro-puuAndFaiLuvers: ^^ Thanks for supporting me, and taking time to review my story; I hope to hear from you again, Kuroluver!

Assault Godzilla: Thanks for the review! Yes, the unnamed character was revealed here; adding more torture unto Ichigo's already-pitiful situation; maybe I should let off being cruel to him? (or not, heheh…)

J'aime Manga: I try my best ^^ Thank you for taking the time to read and review my story; I hope to hear from you again!

Wild Dragon's breath: Ah, close guess. Yachiru would've worked nicely for that description also, but I was aiming for Mashiro ^^ Thanks for the review!

fan girl 666: It's nice to hear from you again! Thank you for the review, and I'm glad that you liked the chapter; I do my best not to disappoint ^^

person you know: -rolls eyes- Meeshy! (don't worry: next time it'll be one day less than a year for my update ^^)

TsangoMitsuki: XD I'm glad you like it; thanks for taking the time to read and review!

And, of course, thanks to everyone else who've taken the time to read my story, whether you've reviewed or not. I wouldn't be here without you all! ^^


	7. GAME OVER

A/N: Heh, second part of Test: FAIL! is presented to you; enjoy and Happy New Year, everyone!

-note: _A Day in the Life of a Captain_ was created during a writers block while writing this chapter. Feel free to check it out, for it will be updated whenever I don't feel up to writing this story.

DISCLAIMER: I have ran out of funny disclaimer ideas; hence, the ATL caps… I dO nOt OwN bLeAcH, Kk!!!!!!???!?11?

* * *

_**How to be a Humanoid**_

_GAME OVER._

"Aha! SHIROSAKI IS IN THE HOUSE!" Ichigo-- or Shirosaki, rather, cried out loud to the entire class.

Everybody looked up; the human students mostly confused or amused, the shinigami completely weirded out-- or, for those who knew about Ichigo's hollow, frightened-- and the Espada, who simply looked up to the noise and not much else. None of them said anything, however.

The teacher wasn't as quiet about her opinions.

"Ichigo Kurosaki, _back to your seat this instant._" Her tone was straight-forward and commanding… teacher-like. Not a quaver or hint of annoyance (well, at least not a funny hint of annoyance….). Nothing like Ichigo.

Stunned at her sudden command, Shirosaki sat down, numb. "She's mean…" he muttered to no one in particular.

The teacher's sudden outburst did one thing good, at least. All the students went back to work, eyes in front of their own paper in fear that they, too, would be scolded.

'_Don't tell me Ichigo's life sucks worse than life in a maze of boxes…' _he thought glumly, pulling his own test forward. _'Ooh! Multiple choice! My favorite…'_

**-reporting in Ichigo's mind, with Ichigo Kurosaki-**

"Get out of my body right now, hollow! You have… you have no right…" Ichigo screamed into the sky, his voice becoming raspy. He called out a couple more threats before his voice completely died out. He sat down, defeated, clutching his bright orange hair rather pathetically.

"At least don't completely kill my reputation…" Ichigo pleaded, as a last request. He wasn't sure if it was even getting though. How did Shirosaki annoy him through his mind again? He didn't know. It wasn't everyday that he got trapped in _his own mind_.

Ichigo sighed, collapsing onto the floor. He could see everything Shirosaki was doing in the back of his head, somehow. It was pretty useful, but personally, Ichigo didn't want to watch how the albino failed his test-- both of them, his reputation, and his life in all, basically. The Vizard grabbed onto a small white box and squished it-- small white boxes seemed to be the only thing that could comfort him. Or annoy him, other than Shirosaki.

Aside from that, the boxes crunched apart rather nicely. It soothed him somehow-- like a piece of his mind was disappearing, making him forget all the trouble he was bound to face when he got back. He didn't know why it made him feel that way. It just did. As he started to squish a third box before he heard footsteps coming his way.

"Ichigo," rang out a familiar voice.

"Huh?" He turned around, his box still in hand. Standing behind him was none other than Zangetsu, who was the only other person that lived in his mind. _He_ didn't spend every day in his life pestering Ichigo, however. "Hey! Old Man Zangetsu!" Ichigo called, delighted to see him. "Help me out, I'm trapped and--"

"I know," the zanpakuto replied, cutting him off, "but before I give you any answers on that, I would suggest you stop destroying those boxes. They are the building blocks of your mind, if you must know."

"Huh…?" Ichigo dropped the box immediately. Soothing-ness question answered-- but he wasn't keen on going brain-dead anytime soon. "Er, thanks…"

Zangetsu only shook his head. "Continue. Explain what made Shirosaki leave so suddenly."

"Oh, right," he remembered, clearing his throat. "He… he just suddenly-- took control in the middle of class for no reason!" Ichigo sputtered, unable to put the evilness of the mischievous hollow into words fast enough. "That… that _bastard_… he just went and said, 'Oh, I'm gonna' take your test for you, Ichigo, sayonara!' and… do something about it, Zangetsu!" he begged. "Don't let him kill my friends… or ruin my reputation I worked fifteen years for!"

"He's not in any mood to kill anyone right now, Ichigo. You don't have to worry."

"Not worry!?" He gagged, his face burning red with indignation. "Even if no one gets hurt, my self-worth is about as good as dead!"

"Than that's the consequence you must pay," he answered rather uncaringly. "Have you been working hard with the Vizards?"

Ichigo coughed, guilty once again. "I do, I'm serious!" he roared. "But I swear it's one of those talent-areas; Mashiro never trains, but she's as talented as the rest of them!"

"Try harder," said Zangetsu simply.

Ichigo fell to the floor, even more defeated than he had been before. "I thought you were a good guy at one time…" he muttered, pouting.

"I am," the older man answered, "but you never get your fair-share of dealing with that idiot."

**-back to the high school-**

'_Shadin' is so much more fun than not squishin' boxes…'_ Shirosaki thought giddily as he scribbled in the small bubbles. Every single one of them, by the way. A, B, C and D. _'I dunno' why Ichigo doesn' just color 'em all! That's a 100-percent chance of gettin' an A!… and, it's fun….'_

Shirosaki continued coloring with a mad grin plastered on his face. He didn't know it, but as he was tracing over the circles, the period was coming close to an end. Finally, when he had enough with the multiple choice, he looked down at the last question. It had a nice, big space for a long-answer essay.

' "_Choose a side in the Era, in the year 1745. After picking a side, describe the daily life of a peasant and their typical jobs. Then, describe how the kings would live. Compare and contrast to the other side. How is it better? How is it-- ah, too long.'_ Shirosaki discontinued reading the open-ended and set his pencil down, scribbling frantically.

There, in broad fine-lines, elaborate curves and bold, sharp jots, he worked his hardest to create a nice, big illustration of a stick-figure. With a gun. And a hard-hat.

Just as he finished up shining the hard-hat, the bell rung. Half of the students shoved their tests into the teacher's arms and flew out the doors. Others hovered over their work, adding last-minute sentences, unwilling to leave the classroom. A few walked sanely to the teacher, handed in the test, and continued to walk to the doors, chatting with friends.

Shirosaki wasn't one of them.

"I wonder what's for lunch…" he heard a couple of girls giggle. "Ooh, I'm so hungry!… hey, what about…?"

But he didn't hear much else; the word 'lunch' rung in his ears like bells. He had watched Ichigo eat multiple times, but being a spirit, he didn't need to eat-- nor could he, seeing that the Inner World only consisted of boxes and Zangetsu-s. Zangetsu wouldn't let him devour a piece of Ichigo's mind. He didn't approve of cannibalism, either.

The thought of food made Shirosaki even more excited. Abandoning the test, he darted out the door, crackling even more insanely than ever.

"Ichigo Kurosaki! I want a word from you--!" the teacher called out, to no avail.

'_Sweet! Foooooooooooooood!'_

Shirosaki sprinted down the hallways, crashing into students and teachers, and smashing though a couple of walls or so. He was so caught up in finding his way to the cafeteria, he didn't notice that he had suddenly stopped moving.

'_Huh?'_ His feet were revolving in circles, but the scenery wasn't changing. It took him a second to realize that he wasn't even on the ground-- but rather floating, and someone was holding him up by his collar.

Shirosaki whipped around, glaring daggers at the person who had stopped him. "Lemme go!" he barked.

"Not yet, Ichigo-- or whoever you are!" answered Renji, equally as loud. "Just tell me why the heck you're acting this way!… if you're even Ichigo in the first place!"

"Why d'you care? Geroff!" Shirosaki bit into Renji's arm.

"What the hell--!?" The red-head reacted violently, punching Shirosaki in the head, knocking him into the floor. "I know you're not the Ichigo I know!" he spat, taking a couple steps back from the hollow. "Who are you!?"

"I am you!" the albino replied in a high-pitched laugh.

"Shut up! I'm not that ugly! Who are you!?" he demanded once more, settling into a defensive position.

"I am no one!" Shirosaki chirped again, giggling.

"Stop playing games, or I'm really gonna' hurt you!"

"I am Zangetsu!"

"That settles it; I knew you weren't Ichigo at all…" Renji pulled up the sleeve of his shirt, ready for battle. "Shoulda' known he'd never dye his hair white… and, his eyes are a different color. Sorry, man, but--"

"I don't look like King?" the Ichigo look-alike asked suddenly, in a far more serious tone. Even Renji could spot the sudden change in the stranger. His eyes now had a far-away, worried gleam, clouding his usually-jokey personality. "I don't look like King?" he asked again, in almost a whisper.

"Wha…?" the shinigami was even more alarmed. "What are you talking about!? You know, you're seriously freaking me out…"

Shirosaki said nothing. He had finally spotted a drastic flaw in his plan. _'If I don't look like King, then all of these people who know Ichi already will drag me back-- an' ruin my fun! I can't have that…'_

"Hey! Are you listening to me!?"

Shirosaki looked up. _'An' this guy's already seen me like this… I can't have that, either…'_

"Okay, weird-o, I'm taking you to the nurse's office." Renji stepped back, powering his fist, until…

_Clamp._ Shirosaki bit him in the leg.

"Dude! What-- the-- hell!?" Renji stared shaking his leg, frantic, like Shirosaki had rabies or something. Shirosaki continued quickly, clawing his way up to Renji's face.

Then, he knocked Renji out cold. _"Can't have this guy tellin' everyone 'bout me so soon.'_

He preceded to drag the unconscious corpse into the boy's bathroom.

**--**

"At least Renji knows it wasn't me."

Ichigo was now intently watching Shirosaki's every move, planning ahead of time to prepare for when he gets his control back. So far, he needed a good excuse for the teacher and many people the hollow had rammed into in the hallway.

The Vizard scratched his head, thinking. Renji could tell that it wasn't him-- and Renji was a complete block-head! _'That means, if someone like Shinji sees him around, then I'm saved!… even though it means that I've failed the test… but still, I'm saved! I have a good reputation-- maybe it'll help me instead of existing to be destroyed! That's it… and a guy with completely white hair shouldn't be hard to notice, either…'_

"I have the answer!" he said out loud, sure that his plan would work. "All I have to do is wait a little longer, just until someone-- which is almost everyone in the school-- notices the changes, and I'm back! Even if they don't recognize Shirosaki's personality, his hair is way too obvious…!"

"Don't get too excited yet," Zangetsu told him matter-of-factly. "My guess would be that he's figured out the same thing. Watch."

"What…?" Ichigo paused, seeing Shirosaki's movement and reading his thoughts. His eyes suddenly widened in horror. "No!"

**-back to the high school-**

Shirosaki was now looking into the mirror, pulling at his hair and glaring. _'How am I s'posed to change my hair freakin' orange!?'_

He had tried changing by throwing bright tangerine paint into it-- but it looked like painted hair more than anything. He had also considered shaving off Renji's hair and using it as a wig (who, by the way, was now locked into one of the bathroom stalls, unconscious with his head bobbing in the toilet), but it was slightly too red to pass off as Ichigo's hair.

Shirosaki didn't know what else to do. He couldn't risk going out into the hall anymore, in case that more people-- possibly the Rocket Club-- saw him and ended his fun before it had even started… but he wouldn't have any fun at all staying the restroom all day.

'_Now what?'_

_Squeeeeeeeak._ The door had swung open with a rusty sound, followed by the pit-pat of foot steps. Shirosaki automatically dived behind a stall.

"Man, this place has always freaked me out," the voice called out to no one in particular. With a low whistle, the person walked towards the sink, turning the faucet. "At least this orange dye won't take very long to use…"

Shirosaki peeked over the top of the stall, standing on the toilet. The boy-- Random Kid 24-- was washing his hair quickly, a bottle of dye in his hand. His bleach-blond hair was rinsing away in the sink.

He ducked back down, thinking. Slowly, a plan formed in his mind.

"Orange looks kinda' weird…" Random Kid 24 whined to himself. "Ugh, I know _that's_ a color I'm never going to use again…"

He examined himself in disgust a couple more times, unable to do much more about his hair. Sighing, he made his way back to the door…

…to find himself face-to-face with Shirosaki.

"…uh, can I help you?"

--

Shirosaki ran his fingers though his now bright-orange hair, thanks to Random Kid 24-- who, on the other hand, was now in a stall next to Renji's, also unconscious, his newly-dyed flaming hair washing away in the toilet. His eyes were still yellow-- close enough to amber still, he decided.

He stared at himself only a little while longer before a wide grin stretched his face. Turning his heal, Shirosaki tore out of the room, his crackling no saner than a madman's.

-five minutes later-

"…"

Shirosaki stared at a plate of steaming peas.

The peas stared back.

Shirosaki pulled out a fork and prodded a plump, juicy pea. The green bean burst, oozing out chunky green-yellow pus.

'_Is this stuff s'posed to be food?' _the hollow wondered, poking at another pea. He lifted one on the tip of his fork and sniffed it. It smelled like Zangetsu's breath. "Eww! This crap's s'posed to be eaten!?"

Shirosaki grabbed the plate of peas and threw it aside. The food went sailing, soaring above the tables and nailing someone right in the face.

The face of a certain elementary student we all know very well.

…

"MATSUMOTO!!!" Hitsugaya screamed, jumping to feet. He glared daggers at the strawberry-blonde woman and hissed menacingly. "THAT'S IT!!"

Matsumoto scratched her head, then leaned toward Kira, who was sitting next to her. "I thought the food that I threw at him missed…" she whispered. "I guess I have better aim than I thought!"

She suddenly ducked, reacting quickly to the food thrown at her. Kira hadn't moved as quickly, however, and he got nailed in the face with a greasy cheese pizza.

"My eyes!!" he wailed, flailing his arms wildly. "I can't see! I can't see!"

"Watch where you're going!" a nearby student warned as Kira got dangerously close to his food. Kira didn't heed his warning, however, and collided into the student, sending his food flying into the air in slow-motion.

Pasta, celery sticks, and fruit cocktail went sailing, taking a good five-foot launch before pelting back down like an explosive bomb. The food split and splattered, bouncing off the floor and hitting all the nearby people. Shirosaki grinned, scanning each shocked face in delight. No one had moved or said a word.

…

"Man, I really need some more sleep," yawned a student from a couple of tables away from Kira's. It was the same student who had declared the start of the football game at gym class. He looked up curiously to see that many students' uniforms were ruined by food. A smile split across his face. "Wow, I never thought that I'd live to see the day of another food fight!" Without any more delays, he stood on top of his chair.

"FOOD FIGHT!!"

**-the Inner World-**

"I've always wanted to do that once," Ichigo noted, watching the battle in the school and nodding along.

Zangetsu sighed, rubbing his eyes wearily.

"What? Haven't you ever wanted to start a food fight?" said Ichigo defensively, glaring at the zanpakuto.

"In fact, no." Zangetsu shook his head, looking disappointed. "This is all you kids care about these days?"

"GO, Tatsuki!" Ichigo cheered, oblivious to what the older man was saying. "Yeah, get 'em all!"

Zangetsu sighed.

**-back to food fight-**

Suddenly, the entire school broke out in chaotic mayhem, chucking everything they could get their hands on. Pies, drinks, salads, spoons, and even human bodies were thrown in the food fight.

Shirosaki was dead in the center, an armful of squishy peas as ammo. His weapon? None other than the infamous plastic, bendy pea-flinger spoon, of course!

_Fling! Plop. Fling! Plop. Fling!_

"My eye!"

And being such a skilled fighter, launching steamed peas was all but too simple. Shirosaki preferred flinging the peas at people's eyeballs.

"I can't seeeee…!" "Ow! My eyes! They buuuuuuurn!" "WHAT THE FREAKIN' HELL!? WHO THE HELL THROWS PEAS AT PEOPLE'S EYES!?"

Oh, yes. The wondrous joys of pea-flinging.

"_**SILENCE."**_ A voice rocketed out of the speaker, loud, clear, and angry. The principle walked into the cafeteria, his face twisted out of shape with rage.

Shirosaki gulped. Uh-oh.

Everyone stopped talking, freezing in their positions and dropping the food in their arms. No one dared make any sudden movement.

"FOOOOOOOOOOD FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!"

…well, almost no one.

Everyone went back into food-fight mode, and the principal's yelling completely drowned out through the sounds of the malicious students.

Shirosaki crackled, taking out his spoon again.

He pulled out a nice, round pea and placed it in the center of the spoon. Just as he began to drag the head of the plastic back, someone tapped on his shoulder.

"Huh?" Ichigo's hollow turned around. It turned out to be a small girl with short, bright bubble-gum pink hair and a goofy smile. "What d'you want?"

"You wanna' Atomic Pea, Ichi?" Yachiru asked playfully, pulling out a small, green bean.

"What's an Atomic Pea?" he inquired, scratching his head.

**-Inner World Update-**

"What's an Atomic Pea?" Ichigo asked, repeating Shirosaki's question. The orange-haired teen looked at his side, where Zangetsu stood, looking unfazed.

"Hello? What's an Atomic Pea?" Ichigo questioned again.

"An Atomic Pea is a bomb, equivalent to a small atomic bomb, in the shape of a pea."

"What!?" Ichigo leaped into the air, startled. "Why would Yachiru have such a thing!? Wha… _what do you think the hollow's gonna' do with it!?_" He blinked a few times, imagining the destruction of his school, and all of Karakura town.

Zangetsu shook his head. "The Atomic Pea is… different, in some way. It won't really… hurt anyone, per say. You'll see."

Ichigo waited for further explanation, but Zangetsu had stopped talking. He sighed, then continued to watch Shirosaki's actions.

**-Back to KKHS-**

"I'll see, huh?" Shirosaki took the pea from Yachiru's hand. "'Kay, I'll see for sure…"

He slipped the regular pea back into his pouch and replaced it with the Atomic Pea. Slowly, he pulled back the spoon.

_Pling!_

The pea shot forward, then rolled to the ground. Shirosaki waited, watching the pea intently.

The pea watched intently back.

Nothing happened.

…

"Wow, real special, innut?" He snorted, then pulled a soggy pea out of his ammo pouch.

_Pop._

Shirosaki looked up to the sound, just in time to see someone step on the Atomic Pea. The shell split open promptly.

"_**SuPeR pEa PoWeR!!!!" **_a voice squealed from the pea.

Shirosaki frowned. Something didn't seem right.

_POOF!!_

…

"Eh!?" "What the hell--!?" "Everything turned green!!" "SWEET! FREE PEAS FOR EVERYONE!" "Ew, I hate peas…"

Shirosaki gagged and jumped out the window. Peas followed him, parading down the town in a form of a green-pea ocean tide.

The entire school had suddenly filled itself with multiplying peas.

**-Inner World-**

"Wow." Ichigo watched, mouth opened and gawking. "…just… wow."

"Mmmph." Zangetsu nodded. "Just wow."

**-KKHS-**

The hollow bolted down the street, screaming his head off.

'_I give up! I give up! I dun wanna' be here anymore!' _he thought desperately. Evil peas of doom were chasing him all over the place. _'I wanna' go back! Wait…'_

He paused for a second, thinking. _'Wait a second… I can get back! I'll just let King take care o' this.'_

The peas were catching up to him, but Shirosaki no longer cared. He crackled, then detached himself from Ichigo's body. Slowly… slowly… he shrunk back, back to his life in the Inner World.

--

Ichigo blinked. What exactly was happening?

The scenery in front of him started to change very quickly. The white boxes began to replace themselves with green, and Zangetsu's figure was fading away. Ichigo looked up-- he could see the blue skies and puffy clouds. That could only mean one thing…

"My Inner World is getting more interesting!" he cried.

…

…No, Ichigo. Try again.

"What else could it be?" Ichigo turned around. He found himself looking at a huge mountain of peas. "…"

-five minutes later-

Ichigo sighed. He wanted to run his hand through his hair-- a habit he developed whenever he was frustrated-- but he couldn't, seeing that both his hand and head were heavily bandaged in cloth.

He was looking at the ceiling of the nurse's office, along with everyone else who was involved in the food fight incident. None of the doctors knew quite what had happened, but they were so busy cleaning up everyone, they didn't bother take the time to find out.

'_Is it just me, or has this happened before?'_

Ichigo sighed again. He heard the tapping of feet march toward his direction-- and he knew who it probably was.

"Ichigo." The voice was stern and serious, contrasting from what Ichigo usually heard from this person.

"I know, Shinji." Ichigo rolled his eyes, then tried to turn over.

"We honestly didn't expect you to fail," Shinji continued, disappointment lingering in his tone. "We're going to have to stay longer if you're going to lose control of your hollow like that."

"All traces of the Atomic Pea are cleaned up," Lisa announced, stopping Shinji's speech short.

"Ah, good!" Shinji clapped, then got to his feet, stretching. "Well, we've just ordered another batch of healing ointment, so they should be here shortly. Everyone should be out of bed before school ends. Also…" he added, glancing at Ichigo. "…we're all going to be staying at Karakura High School for another two full months! How does that sound, Ichi?"

'_Horrible,' _he thought to himself, bitter. He bit his tongue and manage to mumble, "Whatever."

-at the end of the day-

"_Dear Journal-that-I'm-writing-in-only-because-I-want-someone-to-know-my-story-if-I-die-early-due-to-my-life-as-a-substitute-shinigami,_

_My first day with the shinigami at school was even worse than I had originally thought it might be. A lot worse. Living hell. If I had enough energy to write the entire thing out, I wouldn't, because I never want to be reminded of this sad day. Anyways, the whole story is too much to describe._

_The least I can say is that the shinigami, Espada, Vizards, and… dead people are here. Sora Inoue. He's mysteriously disappeared now, though… let's just hope it stays that way. Renji finally woke up and got his head out of the toilet, and everyone's okay. Again, let's just hope it stays that way._

_And to top it all off, I can't even blame anyone. Except Shirosaki. Oh, he definitely did the most to make my life miserable… I'll be sure to get even on him. Somehow._

_Anyways: I can only hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day. Is it going to get better, or is this nightmare one of those things that'll only get worse?_

_Who knows._

_~Ichigo Kurosaki"_

Ichigo set down his pen and read through his letter. Meh. He could've added more detail. Whatever.

Ichigo folded the paper and placed it inside his drawer. He felt a great deal calmer now-- the day was finally coming to an end. He sighed, opening the curtains and letting in the rays of pink and orange sunset-light fall into his room.

"Ichigo!" a squeaky voice called from inside his closet.

"Kon?" Ichigo got to his feet and opened the closet door. As soon as he did so, the lion plushie soared onto his bed, gasping for air.

"What's wrong with you?" the vizard asked suspiciously, poking at the mod soul.

"I… I had a dream," Kon answered between pants. "It was… it was about that-- that fire! That heater!" He jutted his little paw at the machine that sat in the corner of his room. _"That!"_

Ichigo glanced at the heater. _'I almost forgot about that thing… but I'm way too tired to sue the company now….'_

"Do something about it!" demanded Kon, hopping up and down on Ichigo's bed sheets. "I don't like seeing it here anymore!"

"Okay, okay, calm down…"

Ichigo picked up the heater with one hand, then walked back to his window. He opened it and peeked his head outside. There was no one outside to see him drop it.

Ichigo heaved the large object outside with a grunt, forcing it through the small window. As he dangled the heater in the air, Ichigo began to have second thoughts. _'I mean, it's completely fine as long as I don't use the last rating…'_

He looked back at the heater. The orange light that was omitted from the sunset made it look like it was on fire. Ichigo shuddered once, completely forgetting his thoughts to save the dysfunctional machinery.

Just as he was about to let go, a thought struck him. Ichigo quickly brought the heater back inside, to Kon's utmost horror.

"No! No! Get rid of it! Get rid of it now!" he shrieked, backing away.

"Shut up! I know, I will," Ichigo snapped, setting the heater down on the floor.

Ichigo grasped the handle of the heater tightly, then spoke in his mind. _'Come, hollow.'_

He waited only a couple of seconds before a voice replied. _**'Uh… hi, King!' **_Shirosaki replied.

'_Tell me: can I come to the Inner World with something?'_

'_**No, way! I know you're real angry at me right now, King, an' I'm diffidently not gonna' let you in right now!' **_the hollow said rather fearfully.

'_It's not about that. Let me give you something.' _Ichigo rapped the heater once. _'This thing. You can have something to play with other than boxes.'_

'_**An' how do I know you're not gonna' kill me when you get 'ere?' **_Shirosaki snorted. _**'I'm not an idiot, King. There's no reason you'd give me somethin' after I took over your body like that.'**_

'_Honestly, it's not about that," _Ichigo insisted. _'I don't want this thing anymore. My dad probably won't let me throw it out, so I figured I'd just give it to you. You know, so you'll have more things to do than mess around with those boring boxes. But, if you don't want it, I guess I'll just…'_

'_**Wait!' **_Shirosaki cried. He paused, not saying anything for a moment.

'_Yeah…?' _Ichigo egged on, holding the heater a little tighter.

'_**Well, if you dun wan' it, dun waste it,' **_his hollow started uneasily. _**'Okay, I'll take it. BUT, if you try t' hurt me or somethin', I'm gonna' make sure that I get into your body again and I'll ruin your life even more!'**_

Ichigo shuddered. Threats now, huh? _'Yeah, I got it. So, you're going to let me in?'_

'_**Yeah.'**_

Suddenly, Ichigo felt himself plunged into the Inner World, his heater still in his arms. When he looked up, he saw Shirosaki, sitting cross-legged on the floor.

"Kiiiiiiiiiing!" he greeted, giggling.

"Hollow." Ichigo pulled the heater along with him, setting it in front of Shirosaki. "Here."

The albino ran his fingers over the metal, examining it. "So wha's it do?"

"It warms things up, whenever you're cold," explained Ichigo. He turned the heater on to 'Low'; small gushes of heat radiated from the heater. "You can turn it higher or lower whenever you want."

"Oh." Shirosaki took charge of the heater, turning the heat to 'Medium'. He grinned as the machine gave more heat. "Heh."

"Well, that's all," Ichigo concluded, crawling to his feet and stepping back. "Can I go back?"

"Sure, whatever," Shirosaki replied monotonously, playing with the heater and smirking.

Ichigo started to feel himself return to the real world shortly after. Before he was back to his room completely, however, he called out one last warning. "Oh, and I never used the last rating before. I'm not sure what it does, but I wouldn't touch it!"

He could almost here Shirosaki's insane laughter before he was back to the real world. Ichigo was now positive that Shirosaki would try out the broken rating before the end of the day, if not right now.

'_Well, that ends it. Game over, hollow.'_

* * *

A/N: Ends it? ENDS IT!? Are you crazy, Ichigo? I'm never gonna' end your pain-- or not so soon, at least! Keep reading to find out what else happens in Ichigo Kurosaki's sad life! XD

-note: I actually wanted to make this longer, but I ran into so many writer's blocks, I just finished it. -head desks- Forgive me!

Oh, wow... I just noticed that this chapter is longer than all the others... maybe I should make them shorter to reduce writer's blocks?

CHAPTER EIGHT: Matsumoto's Shopping Buddy!

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For those who reviewed after Chapter Six's Update:

Kuro-puuAndFaiLuvers: Thanks, Kuroluver! Yeah, everyone enjoys torturing Ichi-- including his own kind, huh? Anyways, thanks for dropping by again!

Assault Godzilla: lol Yeah, I realized how 'short' it was when I finally looked at the word count-- false statement! -laughs wearily- Anyways, I took your advice with everyone else's reaction into consideration while writing this chap. ^^ Thank you for reviewing!

Greensl33ves: :o I almost forgot the smiley deal on chapter three! -peels a fearful smiley off of the spaceship- Here! I'm considering drawing a smiley-pic and posting it somewhere or something… ah, well. Until then, a pretend-smiley will have to do XD. I hope to hear from you again!

auburn-haired-sadist-XD: Heh, I actually got the hallowed-potato idea from somewhere else… -coughs- not sharing where, however. Thanks for reviewing again!

fan girl 666: XD Hiyori is so scary, ever wonder why no one calls the police with a physical-abuse charge? Anyways, thank you for review!

Thunderwolf66: Komamura, huh? Okay, I'll take that into consideration. Thank you for reading my story anyways, Thunderwolf ^^

Master Hut: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing-- a five-star rating? I'm honored ^^ Please come by again, Master Hut!

And, of course, to everyone else! ^^


	8. Matsumoto's Shopping Buddy

A/N: Ugh, sorry for the long wait, guys. 'Tis my fault. BUT, enough stalling: presenting, CHAPTER EIGHT!!

DISCLAIMER: I own Bleach if that fluffy little bunny over there owns Bleach! -points- (And wha'd you mean, you own this anime?) Also, I own the fairy tales mentioned in this chapter as much as diehard animal-lovers would own a hunting license.

-note: Yes, again, I have changed the name of this chapter. Even though some of you might've remembered reading "Mix n' Match with Matsumoto" from the last chapter, I have decided to change the title-- like usual. -bows head- My apologies.

* * *

_**How to be a Humanoid**_

_Matsumoto's Shopping Buddy_

'_Dear students,_

_It's that time of year again! That's right-- the first annual Karakura High School Dance!_

_Bring your friends and bring your loved ones, because you can't afford to miss this once-in-a-life-time experience! We'll have rockin' music, a variety of snacks, and the entire school will be transformed into a party club-- from disco dance floors to the old country-back square-dancing rooms to glittering ball rooms for all you waltz-and-ballet loving people!_

_Remember: this year's theme is __**Fairy Tales!**__ Dress up as a beautiful princess or dashing prince-- like Cinderella and her Prince Charming!-- or maybe even disguise yourselves as wicked, poison-apple bearing witches and scheming Cap'n Hooks! A fairy god mother? A pixie? A monstrous beast with a heart of gold? It's all up to you-- be sure to dress up as your favorite fairy tale character at the dance!_

_The dance will be held at KKHS on the 23__rd__, Friday. Tickets will be sold during lunch hours for ten dollars. Tickets can also be bought at the entrance of the school on Dance Day for fifteen dollars. Anyone is allowed to join._

_What're you waiting for? Get ready to PAAAAARTEEEEEEEEH!!!_

_Sincerely,_

_PTA School Entertainment Committee of KKHS'_

Ichigo rolled his eyes, then crumpled the paper into a tight ball. He dropped the ad to the floor, grimacing.

"Aw, c'mon, Ichigo!" Keigo whined, scooping up the flier. "You need to have some fun! What reason do you have for _not_ going to the dance?"

"How 'bout this?" he beckoned the immature brunette over, who gulped nervously and edged closer. The carrot-top leaned in, suddenly raising his voice. "MY REASON IS THAT I DON'T _WANT_ TO GO-- LIKE I'VE TOLD YOU FOR THE PAST TWO HOURS. Good 'nuff for you?"

Keigo winced and jumped back, but he crawled forward again almost instantly. "That's no excuse!" he spat, unwrapping the crushed paper. "Look! See that? _Once-in-a-life_-_time!_"

"Yeah, suuure…" Ichigo scoffed. "You know, I only broke my leg 'once-in-a-life-time' in my life so far-- and I'll gladly take it back it I had a choice!"

The freshmen huffed, crossing his arms. "You know what I mean, Ichigo!" Keigo tip-toed closer and whispered: _"I don't think you understand why it's so important! The reason is because there's gonna' be so many _girls _at this dance-- you're always such a prude, Ichigo, so here's your chance!"_

"I am not a prude!" Ichigo hissed, pushing Keigo away. "You're just a sick, twisted pervert! Anyways, I have better things to do in my life…."

"Oh, like _STU-DY-ING_?" Keigo retorted, disgusted. "You've become such a nerd, Ichigo! Hey-- where do you think you're going…!"

Ichigo took long steps, evading the brunette as quickly as he could without running in the hallway. Keigo didn't follow, but he swore he could hear the cries of _"Nerd! Geek! And you're a freak! Hey, that rhymed… maybe I should be a poet! Wait, I mean-- you're such a lame-o now, Ichigo!"_.

Ichigo kept walking until he couldn't hear Keigo's taunts anymore. Then, he leaned to the wall and rested.

Things were actually getting better since the first day. It was around the fourth or fifth day since the shinigami were first enrolled into Karakura High School; the past couple of days were certainly not desirable, but it was slowly getting better. If you overlooked the hole that Ikkaku drilled into the foyer, the one or two mutant caterpillars that Mayuri created, and the few days Shirosaki spent screaming at Ichigo for giving him a defective toy (_**'Ya' said you wouldn' hurt me!' **_he accused. _'Well, I _did_ tell you not to use that rating, didn't I?' __**'But ya' meant to hurt me, anyways!' **__'Who's fault is that for not listening?' __**'I'll get my revenge!'**_), Ichigo felt that it had almost been… normal. The Espada had even laid back on their vileness for a more calm routine during this time-- Ichigo wasn't sure when this daily schedule would be broken, but he was too happy to care.

Still, he did want to keep the normalness lingering around the longest he could. Ichigo knew that he couldn't stop the shinigami, Espada, or Vizards from joining the dance, but he personally didn't want anyone to go. They had managed to turn normal activities like football and lunch into disasters-- what would they make of a dance?

'_Something amazingly stupid,' _he predicted glumly. At the very least, however, he could withdraw himself from the dance if he couldn't convince anyone else to join-- therefore, he wouldn't have to pay for any consequences for anything that could happen.

Or, he hoped he wouldn't.

Ichigo sighed and sat down on the floor. He had time-- it was still study hall, and he couldn't go back the way he came from without being bombarded with Keigo's talking again.

He started to enjoy the moment of silence…

"ICHIGO!!" a voice boomed out of nowhere.

"Keigo!" spat Ichigo automatically, scrambling back.

"Keigo? Is that a friend of yours?" the person asked.

Ichigo blinked a couple of times, staring at the face that hovered inches before his own. It definitely wasn't Keigo's face-- instead, it turned out to be Rangiku Matsumoto, thick strawberry-blonde locks, glittering blue eyes, huge bosom and all.

'…_wait-- MATSUMOTO!?'_ Ichigo gulped, slowly glancing down at her chest-- to which he immediately regretted.

"W-what d'you want?" he sputtered, blushing and edging away.

"Oh, Ichigo…" Matsumoto sighed. She gave a dramatic wail and, to the substitute shinigami's dismay, collapsed into his arms. "Please… no one else will help me…!"

"I'll help you-- j-just get off!" demanded Ichigo, turning even more red still as he tried to push her away.

"Great! Thanks!" The lieutenant let go of him merrily and started to dust herself off. Ichigo sighed with relief as his face started returning to its normal color. "So, does that mean that you're going to be my shopping buddy this weekend?" Matsumoto added hopefully.

"…" Ichigo started to frown. _'Wait, what?'_

"You said you would help me!" Rangiku whined, pushing her bottom lip out as far as it would go. "Pleasepleasepleaseplease with a cherry on top?"

"N-no way!" said Ichigo, stepping back as she advanced. Matsumoto's watery blue eyes started to wobble and glitter, which both successfully disarmed him and completely freaked him out. "Don't y-you have any other f-friends to go shopping with?" he stuttered.

"No, they're all going shopping for their own costumes!" she cried. "I mean, I _would_ love to go shopping with Rukia or taicho," Matsumoto explained, "but I want it to be a complete surprise when I go to the dance! My costume's going to knock everyone dry-- I would never ruin it's magic before the time has started! And since you're the only one not going to the dance…" she sighed, clasping her hands together. "I was hoping that you would come with me!"

"I'm not good at shopping," the Vizard resorted bluntly.

"But _I'm_ good at it," the voluptuous lady replied, winking. "I don't need you to be any good at shopping, Ichigo, but I'll get sooooo lonely without anyone to accompany me…" She sighed, as if it could not be helped. "…and a real gentleman never leaves a lady alone and distressed! C'mon… be a friend, Ichigo…."

Ichigo gulped as Rangiku started his way once more, swaying her body as she walked. _'Well, what other choice do I have?'_ he thought, miserable.

"Fine. I'll go shopping with you," he grumbled finally, defeated.

"Yay! Thanks a lot, Ichi!" she squealed, glomping him-- tightly. Ichigo started to gag and turn blue-- but luckily for him, Matsumoto released him right before he passed out. The freshman gasped and took generous gulps of air as Matsumoto started rambling off about her costume.

"…and I'll have to get matching shoes with it, and a pretty set of earrings, of course!" she babbled on happily. "Or should I buy some make up instead? Hm… what about both? Okay! That could be arranged… along with some wings to my costume…"

"Wh… where're we gonna' get all of this?" Ichigo managed between pants.

"What's that, Ichigo?" Matsumoto paused, looking over her shoulder.

"I asked, where are we going to buy all of this?"

"Oh, _easy_…" she replied with a laugh. "We're going to… to random places around the town! Uh, right?"

Matsumoto started laughing nervously, throwing hopeful glances at her 'shopping buddy'. Ichigo only sighed in exasperation.

"Whatever you say," he grumbled, knowing that this would mean that he would be doing a lot more walking later. "Anyways, how are you going to afford all of that?"

"Oh, I don't have to worry about that…." she answered cryptically, her voice suddenly dropping to a low and seductive purr.

Ichigo blinked a couple of times, then figured to chance the subject. "So… uh… when?" he asked.

"Today!" Matsumoto exclaimed as if it should've been obvious. "If we wait much later, everybody in the school will have already taken all the good costumes! Later, when classes are done, meet me at the flag pole, okay?"

Ichigo paused, then nodded. "Fine." _'I have time today… and it's better to just get it over with soon, right?'_

Matsumoto cheered, then skipped off, waving goodbye. Ichigo could only shake his head as he watched her bounce away.

* * *

A/N: Yeah, this is one of the shorter chapters-- sorry! I figured to cut if off here so that the next chapter won't be excessively long (the longer it is to my mind, the longer it takes to write, for some reason).

NEXT CHAPTER: Of Black and White and Pink! (aka: Part Two of Matsumoto's Shopping Buddy!)

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Yay, Review Replies… they're by far the easiest part to write!

Assault Godzilla: Wow, indeed. Yeah, Ichi could've probably kept it… heh, no worries about our wonderful heater, though. I'll be sure to include it in another chapter (hint, hint). Yep, nice to see you this year again, Godzilla! ^^

J'aime Manga: Yay! You came back for this story! -dances- It's great to hear from you again-- thanks for the review!

Master Hut: …you know what? That's… brilliant! Thanks for the idea: I'll use your suggestion-- if you don't mind, of course. I do have pre-made plans for future chapters, though, so this might have to wait down the line -sweat drop-. Thanks for dropping by again, Master Hut! (P.S.S: ATOMIC PEAS FTW!)

Kuro-puuAndFaiLuvers: Aye, we've all got to deal, huh? Well, whatever happens to Ichi's mind, we'll all know that Shirosaki will be suffering a lot worse XD Anyways, thanks for the review, Kuroluver! (P.S: About your question as to who 'Buddy' was, I'll reveal it sooner or later in another chapter, okay? ^^)

The Great Deity: …oh dear. Um… I don't have to cover health insurance for that, do I? XD Just kidding-- anyways, thanks for reviewing! -hands a smiley- I hope to hear from you again! ^^

auburn-haired-sadist-XD: Yeah, who doesn't love those two? XD Shirosaki's such a badass, it's strange that you can't even find one person that hates him-- other than 'King'-san, that is ^^ Thanks for reading chapter six!

fan girl 666: Thanks! I'm glad you like it; yes, Shirosaki was fun to write as well ^^. Thank you for reviewing again, fan girl-- I wouldn't be here without all of you guys… well, I would, but I'd be pretty sad. So, thanks again! ^^

TsangoMitsuki: Aw, don't worry about me not including all the characters! I've got the people you've mentioned in future chapters: you know, so everyone'll be happy ^^ Anyways, thanks for reviewing again! (Byakuya will have an important part soon enough; I try to get all the popular shinigami first-- and he's one of them, so he'll show up sooner or later)

And, for anyone who doesn't know: I reply to every review submitted after the update of the previous chapter on the next chapter of the story (except those posted before chapter five, which was before I came up with this system). If you have any questions, concerns, or suggestions, know that I take them all into great consideration.

Like I said before; I'm nowhere without you guys!


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